Pangs

As each day passes, things get better and better. But, there are times where some of the old thoughts get through and it stops me in my tracks.

Some wounds close but never heal entirely. I always wondered why it felt like I had more feelings than many people I knew but now I realize that when you lose someone that is so close to you, you lose a bit of yourself too.

Sooner or later it happens to all of us. This is a part of life that we cannot avoid, yet you have to press on. Our only consolation is the beauty and momentary bliss we discover in our travels.

In the Blink of an Eye.

And just like that, everything shifted and I was thrown into a successful position when just a little before I lost my love and my job, confined to my room and locked in my mind, it is amazing how quickly things can change for is, for better or worse. I know that this is a blessing though, something that I will be eternally grateful for.

I wonder how things would be if she had abandoned me when I needed her the most. Would she still be around to profit from this windfall as well. The question is, would I want her so be here with me as I enjoy this with me if that is the kind of character she had, to bail at the first sign of trouble.

Once again, I face the bitter truth that this departure was for the best as much as it pains me to say it. Sometimes, the dead weight must be trimmed in order to properly achieve our dreams. All that time, I was chasing her dreams not mine. I was just feeding on projections and sweet lies from honeyed lips. Oh well, I cannot beat myself up for this. I was so starved for love that I rushed in blindly just for a respite from the loneliness of existence.

I will recover. I know that now. And the world is a large and interesting place, even if it is not only good. I will find new adventures on the horizon if I open myself up to the opportunities. Travel, art, literature and new people to interact with are all awaiting me. I must continue to look to the positive in this situation.

The Path I Walk Alone.

Every day I reflect on the past and where I hope to go in the future. I cannot help but muse on what brought me to where I am today. As I grow, you would think that things would become clearer, and in some cases, they do, but at the same time, I am also presented with a whole new series of questions.

For example, I still miss people from the past that I know I really shouldn't and I have to wonder why that is the case. Is it really the person that I miss? Or rather, do I miss the feeling of knowing that I am not alone?

I am starting to think that in the past my loneliness and desire for respite has caused me to lower standards that I used to cling to, but in the end, I did not have the desired result anyways, so it was fruitless, even though it provided me with new experiences. It is not enough simply to not be alone. I also desire to be understood and to have someone that can relate with me. Otherwise, I can still feel alone with someone that I am supposed to be intimate with.

I suppose that it all came down to escape. I have used many methods to escape the torments of my inner demons in the past and I guess that having a girlfriend was just one of them. It was nice to be there for someone and to focus on someone else's problems for a change, but if I neglected my own issues in the process, the results would be disastrous.

For a time, I need to walk alone. To learn how to enjoy my own company again. I have been spoiled by constant social interaction that I cannot the sound of my own thoughts. This has to change if I am going to be making positive changes in my life. I also need to actually adhere to the standards that I have set for myself. No one knows what I want and need better than myself so I need to rely on my instincts and gut feelings more rather than what others expect me to do. If I don't stick up for myself, who will?

Blessings

I have something to b me really thankful for despite the hell that I have been through the last month. I finally found an amazing job at my best friend's old position at Microsoft. There is nothing so satisfying as proving the people that never believed in you wrong. Sometimes, it is true what they say about clouds and silver linings.

I really am so happy. I have waited so long for something like this to happen. I feel like I am finally on the right path in life again and I can finally continue in the pursuit of my dreams.

Intrigue

When it comes down to it, I am actually happy in how I have transformed over the part couple of years. My whole life was spent in repression. I was never allowed to seek the art(dark or not) that I desired and had to read many books in secret.

I could be bitter about all of that, or I can see it as a sort of blessing. In restraining me, I began to see all of this forbidden art as hidden treasure to be found. Now, I consume art in all it's forms in the same way that others consume food and water. This is what I crave more than anything and someone that I live must also have a love for art or we will never be compatible.

If Something Is Dead, Bury It.

As time passes, we learn to emotionally detach ourselves from situations and actually look at them for what they are. I wonder if this means that I am starting to heal, or if not heal, at least move on with my life. It feels good.

It was true. If there is a void in me, someone else will not be able to fill it. If anything, they will only briefly distract me and then accentuate its intensity. I need to find a way to deal with the void within myself on my own.

Still Corners

The pain ebbs, but in the dark corners of my mind, thoughts of her still remain, of the future we will have, of shattered dreams and hopes. I was never sure if I believed in ghosts, but now I live haunted by these thoughts that linger in the shadows of my mind.

I know now, that I was not the one at fault, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that things were not different, that I had indeed found the woman that I would spend the rest of my life with. Sure, the single life can be fun, but I think deep down all I want is someone to share adventures with and travel the world.

Maybe, I was just projecting these dreams onto someone who really could never satisfy them. I loved her, but to be realistic she may have had too much baggage that only served to accentuate my own issue. For so long, I had been able to keep them under control, but with her in the picture, I neglected them.

I am going to have to handle all of this alone for a little while until I can get some solid ground under my feet. Only then, can I truly be there for someone else. Think of the times when you were needed but couldn't because of the situation you were in. I think that is the real reason that you were angry and sad, not just for the woman you lost, but because you felt that it was over something that you could have prevented.

So? What now? I can either choose to live in bitterness about all of this or I can learn from it and try to be better. This is a tough road that I have ahead of me but there is a prize waiting for me on the other end.

The condition of solitude.

Tomorrow, it will have been a month since Sae broke up with me. This has been the hardest month that I have had to go through in such a long time. I wish I could say that I was healing, but somehow I don't think that is the case. I think I am just getting used to the pain until it is just a dull ache.

Still, I know that this normal for something like this. Part of me knows that the things ahead are better than what I leave behind, but that still does not diminish all the feelings and memories that I have from the last few months. So many places make me think of her. Once these filled me with fondness, but now I am just sad and angry. I can only hope that more time will make this easier.

In the meantime, all I can do is work on myself and distract myself with things that would usually make me happy, and sometimes I am. And then there are days like today and yesterday, where I feel really lonely and miss her even though I know that I shouldn't. It makes me wonder if it is her that I miss or rather the feeling of loving someone and the companionship associated with that. However, when looking back at the latter part of the relationship, I know there were many times I felt unappreciated and misunderstood. Maybe part of me wanted her to be someone else and I was just settling with her because I still loved her.

When I think about it like that, it does give me hope. I should not just look for the physical satisfaction, but also someone that really does get me and I can click with, someone who can feel and love, and appreciate the artistic things in life.

Maybe this will help me get through days like these where I wonder if I can ever find someone. I should not have to compromise what I want just because I am lonely. I must never forget that.

Giving Thanks

It seems like a strange time for me to be giving thanks, with the woman I loved leaving me to get married to someone else, but I do have things to be thankful for. If everything goes well, I may have land two amazing jobs that I have the option to choose from. Also, the more time that I spend away from her, the more I realize that she would never be able to fi the Void in my life anyways.

But I did love her, of that I am sure off. I took my battered and broken heart and offered what was left to her. I am happy to know that I still have the capacity to love despite everything that I have been through. I even know that one day, I may even love again and that , in of itself, is a miracle of sorts.

Until then, I am thankful for what I have: freedom, intelligence, a new job, affordable living, and people who actually do care about me. Last night and today, I saw my new friends were not there because of who I was dating, but rather that they enjoy having me around, with or without Sae, and that made me happy.

Closing time.

It is a shock when the woman that you once loved rushes into marriage with someone else. Is this just to smite me, or is it actually for real? I guess at this point it doesn't matter. It was just that I never expected this. Thankfully, it was just a short amount of time that I wasted, but then again, I have never loved anyone as much as her...and parts of me wonder if I ever will.

Maybe it would be better to be a perpetual bachelor. I don't know if I can go through all of this again, or at least for a very long time. I mean, I was lonely being single, but it is this better than the rudderless feeling of falling in love with someone and having your heart torn from your chest. Part of me knows that I will have a more exciting life, but another part knows that this is really what I wanted all along.

Oh, well...

There is nothing I can do about it now. This is the hand I was dealt and this is what I have to play with.

Lessons Learned

As time passes, things begin to be more clear to me.  Without the overbearing presence of love, I am finally able to really look at things for what they are and I can something positive away from this.  In reality, she was a baggage, she took more than the little she gave.  Really, she only gave me her body and affection but even that was centered around pleasing her.

I am actually starting to realize again how much better it is to be single than to be tethered in an unhealthy relationship.  I am realizing now how much of the stress that was in my life was a direct from her and pushing myself so hard just because I wanted to hang on to something that wasn't right for me in the first place.

I have been reading an interesting book called When Things Fall Apart and I have to say that it has been very helpful in regards to all off this.  It is Buddhist in nature, but it speak so much to my situation.  I have been the cause of all this pain,  buying into this unreal hope of the future instead of just living in the present.  I need to live would focusing so much on the expectations and learn to value every moment that I am given.

I will not lie when I say that there were things that I enjoyed very much about the relationship.  But, I have to realize that it was not unique.  I was not the first and and will not the be the last and the same goes for her.  This is a cycle after all.  And while at first I saw this to be a very depressing realization, I see differently now. Instead of lamenting that I am doomed to repeat the cycle without fulfillment, I need to find fulfillment within the cycle.

I will always be given new opportunities and new adventures in life if I am willing to look for them and not settle.  I shouldn't allow myself to be dragged down so easily by something that doesn't really matter in the first place.  What was I looking for anyways in all of this?  Security?  Stability?  Empathy?  She brought none of these things.  So why am I lamenting a relationship that did not actively help me.  I am the problem, but I am also the solution.  This is the lesson that I need to learn.  

Starting Over

This has been quite an interesting weekend.  Part of me feels like I am finally starting to return to my old self again, but there is part of me that knows that my "old self" doesn't really exist anymore.  The truth is that from every experience that we go though, we are irrevocably changed and we can never really go back.  Sure, there is a core essence that will always be there, but it would be foolish to think that people are permanent. 

That is what life is all about,  the canvas and the color, pain and pleasure, light and darkness.  Each thing that happens is only part of the whole picture.  As much as I would love to deny the pain and escape from its reach, I know that doing so would take me from the reach of pleasure as well.  I know that for many reasons, the last few months were some of the best that I have ever had, despite much of the stress and pain that it may have caused. While I wish that it would not have ended or at least ended differently, if someone had laid it all out before me beforehand, I would have chosen it regardless of knowing the outcome.

Part of me doesn't know if I will ever be able to forgive or trust Sera ever again.  It is sad, but in reality, it really doesn't matter.  If it were to ever happen, it would be in the future and both of us would be different people then and it would be foolish to think that we would be able to pick up right where we left off.  At that time, she would have to earn my trust again anyways, so there is not much reason to think about it too much right now.

All in all, I think that I am growing and becoming much stronger from all of this.  While, I do wish that I was naive and innocent like in the past, no one can last like that in reality.  Life always happens and then we are changed by it.  But I will choose to try and fight bitterness.  I do want want to allow bad things that happen to prevent me from looking for other good things in life.  I know that things will get better.  This is not simply a blind hope that leads to disappointment but an acknowledged truth of the cycles of life. 

Lingering Thoughts

Even as I move on, there will always be a part of me that belongs to her. As I look back, I realize that for a little while, I had something beautiful. It may not have been the right person or perfect, but it was nice to only love for one person in my life and know that for a time I was loved in return.

Maybe it was not her entirely that I was looking for, but the feeling of being in love. Love may be transient and may devastate when we lose it, but I could never see myself abandoning it. It has too much of a hold on me like a drug.

This is a good realization. So many times after something like this happens, I would usually vow to never love again and just burn through endless an string of flings. Granted, I am beginning to separate sex and love, I will always have a little difficulty having sex without tying a bit of emotion to it. I guess that is just the way I am and I need to just learn to tame them a little better.

I know that things will get better with time. This was just another torrent of experience that will add to my story.

The Problem with Love

The problem with love is that it is not so easily banished.  You could wish that with the damage done that the feelings would just leave, but it seems that is not the not the case.  I still love her more than everything and my dreams are filled with her.  But I have to wait...I have to.  We both need to heal and grow if we are going to be friends and maybe something more in the future.  Her fear and abandonment hurt me, and my attempt hurt her and now the only thing that I can do is to give it time.  Part of me really does believe that we are meant for each other and that is the hardest part.  I just wished that she would have just fought through her fears, but what I did drove her to her actions as well.

In the meantime, I need to shake off all this pain and continue to live my life.  I need to improve myself there is nothing to be gained if I don't change myself.  Even though I don't want it right now, I know that when one door closes another one opens.  It is possible that we both have a lot of growing to do before we can be together and I am not about to discard her entirely.  That would accomplish nothing but invalidate the relationship that I have built.  I need to not be bitter and continue to press on.  I had some amazing times in the months and some really tough times too.  I know that this is not the end.  This is only the first chapter.

I will get through this.  I will not just sit on the sidelines and let my life pass me by.  I will continue to live and fight.  I was a fool to almost have given up so easily.  Nothing worth having in life comes easy.  Even though, I know that it may not be Sae, that is all right.  I love her anyways and it is important to me to see her being happy.  But I need to be happy too, and, that too, is something that I am going to have to fight for.

I will not lose hope.  There is always hope.

Movement

Epiphanies can be a real bitch, but I think that I am finally starting to be comfortable with the idea of moving on instead of trying to salvage pieces.  There is no going back to this, not at least for a long, long time.  If there hadn't been issues with both of us than the relationship would not have dissolved so quickly.

It took me some time to really think about it, but even if we had gotten back together, I would have still have been racked with doubts and lack of trust, which turns out that it was no unfounded and I am more perceptive than I originally thought.

But that is besides the point.  Let's review the facts.  She is twenty-four, has an eating disorder, self-harms, has OCD,  has a kid,  lives with her ex and his mom, and lacks almost all self-control and responsibility.   That, in of itself, was a recipe for stress and had a high chance for failure.  I need to stop coming into relationships, thinking that people are going to change themselves for the better.  Just because this is something that I do, doesn't mean that someone else will do it.

Of course, I was in love and emotion tends to blind my logic, as was pointed out on numerous occasions.  In a way, I still love her so much, even though that she is not and may never be the right one for me.  I cannot entirely blame her though.  I am drawn to girls like that.  They are interesting, and intrigue me, and a part of me loves just getting swept up into their madness, full of wild colors and noise.

But then again, that is the problem, isn't it?  Getting swept up in the madness.  Soon their problems become my own and that is a heavy burden that awakens things within me that I thought had died long ago.  I had gone so many years without an attempt to harm or kill myself, but I will was driven to the brink, by the depression caused by this mad love.

Thankfully, I am taking steps to make it better.  But, part of moving on is understanding that this is actually going to help me in the long run.  Getting married to someone like that would have shoved me into a life that I was not ready for and chances are that I would have been miserable.  I need to take this time to work on myself and change for the better.  Then in the future, I may be ready to try this again.

Freedom

It  has been a week since the indecent.  It has been really hard letting go, but I think that I am finally able to.  I was sick of just waiting around for her whims, dangling the promise of a relationship while sleeping around with other guys.  All of her friends kept on telling me to let her go and walk away, but I still clung to hope with her.

Last night was the last straw, I had run into her best friend before I went out and she told me how evil Sae was being.  I couldn't believe my ears and I could feel my heart clench in my chest.  I didn't want to believe, but I knew that it had to be true.

When I ran into her later, I confronted her, but she was just drunk and laughed, but later I had to deal with her accusing me of just assuming things and that I didn't know what I was talking about when I obviously did.  The pain was just too much and I allowed myself to be sucked in and we a long and drawn out argument

This morning, it just continued and I started to realize that I am not willing to fight for this anymore.  I tried and I tried till it drove me nuts, because I loved her, but you cannot help someone that does not want to be helped and I deserve better than that.  At this point, the cons outweigh the pros, so I am going to leave and focus on myself for a while.

Someday I will have something better and the pain of this moment will just fade into faint scars.

Self-Actualization

This last week has been on of deep thought for me, which you would expect after touching death and being able to walk away.  That is not a chance that everyone gets.  I am starting to see the error in the way that I was living.  There was no real culprit, and placing blame will only cover up what really needs to be seen.  I was not happy and there was a void in me that I continuously attempted to fill with external sources such as other people and alcohol.

The problem with this, is that sooner or later people leave, or the effects wear off and the desperation sets in as I know I am going to just be left with the Darkness again.  It has kept me company for all these years because I allowed it to and listened to it's whispers.  I have come to understand, that I may never truly be rid of it, but that doesn't mean that I have to listen to what it has to say.

It is a lot of work to shift from a negative mindset.  I know that therapy will help, but I know that without my own effort, it will be in vain.  For once, things are going to be about me and my growth.  I sacrificed too much of myself for others and allowed my own needs to fall by the wayside.  Maybe I really needed this in order to get my head straight again.

Inflicted pain

     I am starting to grasp the extent of how much my attempt hurt her, just based off of how cold and harsh she is being.  Part of me really wants to be furious with her for her rash decisions to sleep with someone else right after we decide to take a break, but she is single now and that is part of what that entails.  I still have hope though, regardless of how this turns out. While I really do hope that we would get back together, I know that it has to be under the right circumstances. I was stressed and unhappy a lot for a damn good reason and I have no intention to going back to that, especially after what happened.

    Right now, I just need to just focus on getting healthy and doing the things that make me happy.  She did have a really good point.  I have to stop basing my happiness on other people, because if I do then their random whims have the ability to devastate me and I never want to go through that ever again.

Day two

     It is going to be hard without you, I know, but while I would love to have you in my arms again.  This is going to have to be your decision.  You are single now and I acknowledge that you may give in to your needs.  As much as I cannot bear the thought, I know this to be a reality.  I loved you so much and I still do, despite all the pain and suffering that you have caused me.  But I loved you without loving myself and this caused me to pour myself out for you without replenishing the source and I began to run dry.

     I find it ironic that the person that brought me so much happiness could also bring so much pain, but I really cannot blame you.  You are just as broken as I am.  The problem came when I based my happiness and identity around you and neglected myself.  I mistakenly though that in helping you, the solution to my own problems would become more evident.  But as time passed, this proved to not be the case and I had no  outlet anymore.

     It was my depression that drove a rift between us.  This was a unknowing self -sabotage, the climax happening when you decided that we needed to take a break.  I was confused and derailed.  How could someone who just a few weeks prior been inseparable change so suddenly.  And then I had nothing and ran in pursuit, of the oblivion, the darkness, the peace to quell my pounding thoughts.

     In some ways, it was a miracle that I wasn't able to complete it as one thought shone brighter than the others, "What about the people that love you?  Do you know how much pain you are about to cause?"  I wept and wept, realizing what I was doing and tried to staunch the flow of blood, countless paper towels, stained crimson, littering the floor around me.

     But now, I have to answer for my actions.  Even though she had struggled with the same thing, this did not bring her closer to me, it just drove her away.  She thought of the blame that she would have to live with for her whole life, if I had died and it angered her.

      Now...I don't know what is going to happen.  After talking with her, I decided to go into therapy, not only in the hope that I could rekindle a healthy relationship, but also so that I could find myself again and relearn how to cope with depression.

     All in all, I have hope, even though I still have the pain of us both being single and everything that entails.  I hope that if we are fated to be together, that we will be together again and this time it will be happy and healthy.  It is going to be work and it is going to be a struggle, but I know that in the end it is going to be worth it.  Nothing worth having is easy.

Loss

     What do you do when you lose the main thing that you were living for?


     There comes comes the overcoming tendency to react and I did, very badly.  It had been such a long time since I had self-harmed or thought about suicide, but yet she brought it out of me because my life had shifted to only care about her and her problems while mine were left neglected.  I know that she loved me the best that she could, she cannot feel like most people and her lack of understanding and empathy was the source of the majority of my pain.

   And there was a part of me that loved it, but the euphoric highs also came with the devastating lows.  I knew that it was not healthy.  I knew that it was destroying me.  Yet, I continued because I loved her and making her happy gave me purpose.  But in the end, I have to realize that it is not my job alone to make her happy, especially at the cost of my own self.

     This is going to be hard, harder than anything I have ever done in a long time.  I am going to have to let her go and learn to actually love myself.  I cannot allow another people to control as if they were a drug, and the worst kind of drug too, one that is so unpredictable that it almost brings you to the point of death.

     The worst part is that she cannot see the endless pain that she has caused me, she can only see the resulting depression and thus decided that I needed help.  I while I really don't want to, I am starting to realize that I really do need someone to be able to talk to, since there is no one close to me right now in that regard and my best friend moved to Korea.

It hurts so much, my heart almost physically writhing in my chest, but in a sense it was numbing enough for me to really step back and see things for what they are and what needs to be done.  I have given her everything, and doing so I have left nothing for myself.  It is no wonder that my psyche is in ruins.  While I do not blame her for something that I did to myself, she did unknowingly instigate it.  This can actually be positive if I allow it.  This can be a time when I take care of myself and grow and if she can also grow then maybe this will have a happy ending after all.

The Veil

     The rain pattered softly as he walked in the darkness.  Unmindful of the damp soaking through his clothing, he pressed forward with endless thoughts barraging his already fragile mind. He had almost lost her and he knew that it was his fault and his fault alone.  Even now, she hung by a thread, just a breath from being lost to him forever

     The self-sabotage had been insidious, spreading from his subconscious fear.  Only when it was too late, did he realize what was happening.  Words were spoken and a fight ensued.  All of his fear, resentment and hurt that he had been bottling up within, seethed out, not in an explosion, but it was horrible just the same.

     He had allowed his neglect to hurt the one he loved, something that he had promised before allowing to happen.  It was not even though his actions.  He had simply given her the tool and left her to act. 

     He stopped, seeing his reflection in a large puddle, saw the pained and bleary eyes staring back at him, before bringing down his foot with deliberate force to disrupt the reflection and continuing on his way.

  It was ironic that as a man of the pen, he could not believe the reassurances that she loved him.  Perhaps he knew how easily it was to create fiction with a simple wag of the tongue or twitch of the pen.  Even though he put such high value on words, he needed the actions to back them up and that his how the pain of the past had caused the doubts to appear.

     His whole life, he had never known true love.  Yes, he had loved, but it was unrequited.  The love he thought he felt always trickled away and revealed itself to be simply delusion.  And again, he would chase after another, telling himself that this time things would be different, he would show her the world and she would love him with her whole heart.  But each time, discovered the that love story that he had been writing was entirely in his mind and there was no love to be had.  He was alone, as he ever was.

     It was this past that always weigh on him when he was with her.  He never knew if what he felt was from his mind alone or if there was love here and his hurt had simply cauterized his ability to feel it.  He wanted this to be real with everything within him, but as his love for her grew so did the pain and the doubt.  When it grew to be to much to bear he tried to seek comfort and understanding in solitude, unknowingly triggering her fear of abandonment and doing more harm than good.

  And now, both stand shaken, each facing a battle in their minds between love and fear.  The future is not certain, but then again it was never really certain to begin with.  The only way to press forward to understand the risk of pain and to decide that the promise of eventually finding love is worth it.

And it is, it really is, he thinks as his tears mix with the rain slowly falling on his face, and he smiles. He would take the pain all over again, just for the chance at true love again.    

 

Positive

     I have been noticing that I have been using this as primarily an outlet for just negative thoughts and after several conversations that I have had I have determined that this has been severely limiting myself,  I refuse to just spill out poison and keep all of my positive feelings locked deep inside.  Lack of communication and negativity almost caused me to lose something that is very ear to me and I will  not make that same mistake again.  Before I can expect others to change, I have to portray the change myself.

    It is always so much easier to look at the faults of other while ignoring our own that are blatantly staring us in the face.  It was helpful to actually step back to see what what is important and what I really need to work on to resolve everything that I have been going through.

     As part of this, I am going to make an effort to articulate my thoughts more in an effort to not pent things up so much until they explode. I think that it what the true origin of the problem was in the first place.  And while others may be at fault, in the end, they are beyond my control so I might as well work on something that will improve me regardless of the outcome.

Awake

It is amazing what a little sleep can do you your mind. The thing is, I know that I had dreams but I can only remember glimpses.

The sadness that I was feeling before has also evolved somewhat as well. It has turned into more of a melancholy, which in some ways is even more beautiful and serene than basic happiness.

My thoughts have shed some light on all of this and while this doesn't exactly improve the situation, I have been through this before and survived. I have the writing to prove it. That doesn't mean that,if it does happen,it won't be painful, but when it happened before, I didn't fall subject to the dram urges when I the thought the pain was to much to bear.

I think that this all shows that you can take a positive or negative approach to anything and that if I just keep my guard up when I are warning signs, I will be able to minimize the pain that I will have to go through.

Seeds of Doubt

Sometimes, it is the things that people do when they are not aware that cause the most damage. And as she sits, blind and oblivious, I am forced to just smile and shrug and pretend that I am not being crushed by the pressure of turbulent thoughts.

Some things cannot and should not be swept under the rug and sooner or later a decision will have to be made. The last few days have served to open my eyes to the condition of this situation, but there is not much that I can do now, but wait and see.

If action follows and proves that the words spoken were not empty promises, then there still may be a future for us. But something has to change. Life is too short to be willingly miserable and I should know better than to repeat the mistakes of the past.

I have experienced this enough times to recognize the warning signs, but I choose to enjoy what time I have been given and learn from it, instead of only fretting for the future. If this is meant to be then it will work out, if it isn't, then no amount if worrying on my part can save it.

The Empath

    How do you cope when the person you are closest to doesn't even realize that you are suffering?


     "What is wrong?"  she muses

    " Nothing..."  you mutter, knowing that trying to describe the maelstrom of thought raging in your mind is futile.


   This is a lesson in how to feel alone even when you are with others.  Thoughts you would rather not have, clawing for your attention.  How you wish that you could be perfect, that you could give them what they want, that you were not so defective, but the mask remains with the grin affixed, accusing you of every lie you tell in the hope that it will all be all right.

   The worst part is the fact that the person that you are supposed to be closest to doesn't even realize the struggle that you re going through, which means one of two things...either they are not as close to you as you as you think they are or you are far better with your mask than you used to be.

   Either way, I am worried. For once, I want to be what I once ran away from, but am I too far gone to be able to be there for others.. In the efforts to cope with the pain and memories, have I lost my compassion and empathy?  Sometimes I fear that I am just waiting for things to go sour, just so that my fears will be realized and I will not have to worry about them anymore, but I have never fought against something so hard in my life so maybe it is worth it this time.

    This is what I choose to believe, even though I know that it may destroy me in the end.  After all, what is the point of protecting yourself, if it is keeping yourself from actually living.  I have always been of the mindset that I would rather burn out than fade into dust and it seems that I always choose scenarios to suit that mindset.  In the end, what matters to me is leaving a story that is worth telling,  Some people have other callings, but I would just be deluding myself if I attempted to mimic that for my own life.  Whatever happens, I want it to be interesting and a story worth telling.

Thought Cascade

     It is funny how something as simple as a conversation about philosophy can serve as a catalyst break down the walls to thoughts that you thought you had expelled from your mind long ago.  It really makes me wonder if that is really who I am and just pretending to be someone else with a mask now.

     It all started with a talk about purpose, happiness and fulfillment.  How could I explain that my whole life happiness and fulfillment have been fleeting at best and that the only thing that keeping me between a bullet in the brain was purpose?  With silvery-sweet words, I was told that life had no purpose and that I should enjoy absolute freedom. Yet, it is this freedom that brings out the darkness in me that I have striven so hard to lock away and throw away the key.

     Sometimes, I wonder if I am just kidding myself with all of this, if I am trying to be something that clearly died a long time ago. I always feel like I am wearing a mask and am wary of others looking too deeply in my eyes, lest they see the darkness and infernal spark inside.  It has taken a lot of effort to shape myself into something I ca tolerate and keep my thoughts at bay, but I let my guard down and it seems like now they are all coming back.

     The strange thing is that I got what I thought I wanted.  I found someone who loves me(provided that love exists beyond chemical reactions in the brain) and wants to have a family with me.  I feel that this should bring me fulfillment, but I am starting to have a sneaking suspicion that it won't just like I always knew that it wouldn't.  Family and procreation never held much appeal for me.  They are nice things, just something that I always felt were for other people and not for me.  Now, I feel caught up in her dreams and wants, while neglecting mine.  What if I don't want this, but am furiously trying to convince myself that this is what I want for her sake.    Now I have been infected with doubt and I am starting to see cracks in the foundation.  I am afraid...afraid that I will wake beautiful and evanescent dream one day and that this will end badly for everyone.

     I really need to take some time to step back and really think about all of this.  I need to be sure that I am not deluding myself again and being blinded by feelings and my hopes for a better life.  I have been down that road before and I know only too well where it leads.  I really need to be realistic about this.  Can I really eternally promise myself to someone when I know the possibility that I can let my guard down and finally shed my mortal coil despite knowing how much suffering and damage it would cause.  It is times like this that I really wish that I had not been broken beyond repair.

Every Scar, A Story.

    There comes a point in life where you realize that while you are broken and damaged, you cannot imagine yourself any other way.  Yes, there are times where I still wonder how things would have been if circumstances were different, but then I realize that I would not have been the same person.  So many positive things in my life have come as a product of my pain and there are so many adventures that I would have never undertaken had I been in the warm embrace of contentment.

     Rather, it was my lack of contentment that spurred me forward to new horizons.  I would have never backpacked across Europe or stowed away on a train without a ticket. Maybe this is not the case for everyone, but too much contentment makes me lazy and much of the art that I have created was just part of a recovery process

     That makes me think though.  I wonder if I have subliminally sabotaged my contentment for the sake of my creativity, if somewhere in my brain I couldn't abide with the idea of my creativity drying up one day, even if I was happy.  I guess that is part of the problem with basing so much of my identity in what I create, but there were dark times in my past where that was the only thing that was keeping me going and I will never be able to abandon that.  You can take away everything else in my life as long as I am left with that and I will never truly be able to lose all hope.

Snap Back

     Finally falling into the familiar step of the single life, I shake the memories of the relationship like a bad dream.  For a minute there, I lost myself.  I had been so wrapped in the sensation and experience of finally being in a committed relationship after such a long time of stag life that I was compromising too much to keep it.  Don't get me wrong, I loved it for the most part.  I mean, I probably could have picked someone better, but you can never really control who stumbles into your life.

     I had known for sometime that it would end.  I had seen what I liked to call "the seeds of destruction" manifest themselves in her, aspects that I knew would later clash with my personality and pull us apart.  Yet, when I broke things off I still felt a loss.  There was a withdrawal from a certain kind of drug that I had become accustomed to.  I had traded in my sense of adventure and freedom for comfort and security and coming back to my state of being was like a rubber band snapping back to its original shape.

    Each day that passes with her gone, I think about her less and less, but she is still a shadow at the corner of my mind.  Despite my best efforts, I had emotionally invested myself into someone that I knew was not good for me, but I have to admit that it was nice to pretend for a while.  But now, I am starting to feel like myself again, my eyes open to all the possibilities that life has to offer with nothing holding me back anymore. I don't regret anything though.  It was something that I had to go through to understand what I really want out of life and my relationships and where I need to go from here.

Dogs and Bells

     One good thing about the internet is that everyone feels compelled to post whatever is rattling around in their brains, which makes social media people watching on an immense level.  It is nice to know that I am not the only person that has certain thoughts.

    One thing that been an irritant, is when one gender unloads a generalized barrage of insults pointed towards the opposite gender.  We are all guilty of this.  We use the other gender as a scapegoat to absolve us of the bad decisions that we make. If we are consistently running into the same type of  people that hurt us, maybe the problem does not lie with the gender but rather that characteristics that we are drawn to. 

     I am guilty of the same thing.  I could blame bad relationships on female psychology or I can acknowledge that when I was presented with a romantic opportunity with someone that would have been genuinely good for me, I immediately lost interest.  I have no one to blame but myself and what I am attracted to.

    But what I really wanted to talk about is conditioning.  Everyone knows about Ivan Pavlov and his dogs.  He was able to train them to expect a treat whenever he rang a bell.  After a time, the treat was not even necessarily to cause the dog to salivate, just the bell.   I find that the same is true with people.

     Before we start complaining the world is full of horrible people, we have to acknowledge that is due to being trained by society.  It all comes down to cause and effect.  If a nice guy/girl notices that their kindness is doing them more harm than good and they possess some intelligence, they will begin to seek out what will actually work to get them what they desire.  It is a harsh but real lesson that the world teaches us and it can be proven time and time again simply by watching how people interact with each other at a club.   Soon, even the nicest people are willing to make sacrifices after countless attempts at trial and error.  After all, only a fool tries the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.  

     And so, we can thank society for the state of modern culture.  Now, I am not someone that subscribes to fatalism.  If I don't like something, I understand that it fully within my power to change it.  As someone that is driven success, it is imperative to adapt, to learn what works and what doesn't. The hard choice is deciding how much to sacrifice to get what I want.  I could be unfaltering and self-righteous and condemn the world for wronging me while being miserable...or I can change and adapt and hope that I do not become the mask that I wear to be able to thrive in this world.

Descending Calm

     As the mist clears, I am left to see things for how they are.  There are things that I can change and there are things that I must simply accept or reject.  In this case, I have taken the path of rejection, choosing to cut out the negative influence like a cancerous lump and move on despite the pain and attachment.  Even as someone that is often ruled by passion and emotion, I cannot evade glaringly obvious logic when it is staring me in the face.  The fact that I was able to ignore it to this point is still something that amazes me.

     The last few weeks have been turbulent and despite the outward antagonist, the real enemy was in my mind. I always have been prone to over-thinking and settling for less than I deserve from people, but that time of my life has slowly been fading away and thank god for that.  I am finally feeling a calm descend on me and although I do wish that things were different, I am willing to accept the reality of the situation and move on with my life.

New Visions

     One of my favorite things to do is to walk around metropolitan area with headphones in just observe the teeming life swirl around me.  I find that it helps remind me of all the possibilities that living in this city has to offer.  There are so many people and each one has a story.  Sure, not all of them may be exciting or relevant to me, but the fact that my attentions had been focused one person alone for so long just seems ludicrous to me now.

     I really do believe that only boring people can be bored all the time, especially in a city like this.  There is really no excuse or cause to be bored here.  If you cannot find something to do when you are surrounded by endless possibility, you are the problem not the environment. I think that part of the reason that I am bothered so much by this behavior has to do with the fact I am usually preoccupied with ten things at a time at any given moment and I have trouble comprehending minds so vacant that they cannot find anything to stimulate or amuse them.


     I am also very blessed to have found a lot of people to be close to that help me better myself and stimulate me to.  I have a tendency of feeling stagnant if I keep to myself too much.  I need a constant flow of new ideas and people to share and collaborate with.  I guess that is part of the reason of moving here to begin with.  There were some nice things about Tampa, but ultimately, I was not being intellectually fed and I had to get out before it completely killed my creative process. I try not to make a habit of harboring regrets though, I know that each event and experience is simply a another chapter that serves to shape me into who I am today. 

New Chapters

     In an effort shrug off the wreckage of the past, I decided to go out.  Briskly descending the stairs, bottle in hand, I emerged into a soft mist.   The moisture touched my face like soft kisses.  My eyes misted too before I drained the bottle and smashed it against the building and proceeded at a brisk pace.

     The bar was dimly lit with soft, red lights that turned the garish surroundings into a flurry of crimson shadows. I thought it funny that I would come to a bar to be alone, but then again sometimes you never feel more alone than when in the midst of a crowd.

     Here lies the problems of passion.  We are given high highs and low lows and as I ordered another drink I could feel the pendulum in full swing. By adapting to these outward catalysts, I am shedding skins.  You could call it growth, but that would also be indicating a positive change.

      These days, I am not sure that I recognize the eyes looking back at me from the mirror.  They are too hard and sharp for my tastes.  And while there is still a warm spark and a mischievous glint, they look tempered by something...pain, perhaps.  Yes, I know that time will heal all wounds.  I have been told this time and time again.  But no one tells you that these wounds leave scars that will never go away, serving to remind us of a time before pain, where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

     Some would call this depression, but I am afraid that I would have to disagree.  Maybe it was at the beginning, but time has caused it to evolve into something else.  We can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness with its nostalgia and the art that we create from it.  Maybe it is not healthy, but then again artists were never really known for being healthy people. Maybe we are to blame but placing ourselves in situations that stimulate our creative process.

    With these thoughts swimming in my mind.  I left the revelry behind and ascended the steps that would take me into the night.


I love you...but I have chosen darkness.

Unanswered Questions

     It it truly frustrating when you start questioning a decision that you know is right.  It seems that no matter much someone has wronged us and we know that it was unhealthy to remain in the situation, our mind is drawn to the good memories that were created instead.

     I miss the crafty glint in your eyes when you would look at me. I miss the endless wandering and exploring as we whisked around the city in a blur.  I miss having someone to share dreams and goals with as we ambitiously made plans for the future. The world was ours for the taking.

    But yet...

     Some things just don't work out no matter how hard you try. We both are broken in our own ways and although it would be so easy to just place the blame, I know that I am not entirely blameless.  I could have loved more, or trusted more, but after life had taught me some very hard-earned lessons, it was hard to fully trust even someone that I was madly in love with.

    Even after detaching from you, I still question my choice to do so, even though I know that it was not healthy being around you.  In an effort to be supportive, I drank in your toxicity by the gallon so that your anger became my anger and your stress became mine.  It hurts me to leave you, even though I know I must. You can only try to help a drowning victim so much before you realize that the endless flailing is likely to drown you too if you continue to hold on.

    I tried to remain callous to what I saw, rationalizing to myself that the changes in you were just a product or stress and that it would wear off soon, but in the back of my mind, I knew the truth. It is a depressing moment when the veil is lifted from your eyes and you finally see what you were intentionally blinding yourself to in an effort of hopeful optimism.  The concept of living for yourself at the expense of others is not foreign to me, but I had hoped that things would be different, but this is not the first time that I have blatantly ignored red flags.

     I do have to thank you though.  Despite everything, I did enjoy what we had together.  I am so used to living life on my own, that it was nice to be able to share it with someone else for a while.  In the past I would be more depressed and angry at the failure of a relationship, but as I grow older I start to realize that life breaks everyone is some way or another and seeking perfection in another individual is an unrealistic expectation.  Instead, it is your flaws, no matter how numerous that make you interesting to me.  Perhaps, that is why I am drawn to flawed people, because I know that they have lived life and they have the scars to show for it.  Someone without apparent flaws is just hiding who they really are.

     With each passing day, I do feel more at peace with the entire affair.  Although a romantic part of me really wishes that things were able to work out between us, the rational side of me knows that we both need this and we can never know what is in store for us, despite our meticulous planning.  I wish you the best in life and I hold no ill will towards you.

Cardboard Children

     One of great problems of getting to know people is that they are rarely who you imagine them to be.  With many, the person that is projected is vastly different than the person that is behind closed doors.  Depending on the situation, this can even be endearing, to see past the strong, hard shell and see the intimate vulnerabilities of the person beneath.

     But other times, seeing who the person really is, is what destroys the relationship. For some, it is a simple matter of lacking substance and depth, which is still a turn-off but for others the beautiful shell is just disguise to hide the darkness inside.  It saddens me to realize that we are all broken is some way or another, and some more than others(I am no exception). I think that having these unrealistic expectations of people is part of what sets us up for these massive disappointments. Even before they happen, you begin to see the cracks in the veneer and feel the dread waiting to wash over you like some massive tidal wave looming overhead.  And even though we know what is coming next, it does not lessen the impact.

     I'll get over this, just like I have gotten over everything else.  But, what worries me, is that each time I feel less and less pain and it makes me wonder what that means. Am I becoming so jaded that it is cauterizing my ability to feel or care?  Or is it simply that I have learned to recognize the signs and was able to mentally prepare myself a little more this time?

You live and learn, but sometimes I wonder if I learning the right lessons.

Chasing Horizons

     Sometimes, it takes being in a relationship to really appreciate what you have when you are single.  It seems that the cure is often worse than the disease.  We sacrifice our freedom and carefree lifestyle for a life of duty and obligation. This does not appeal to me at all.  I cannot sacrifice the things that help define my identity for a transient feeling of love.

     Love, like any other addiction is often hard to give up.  Mainlining these emotions for the rush of chemical euphoria may feel great but causes us to be blind to the red flags that signal the impending danger of things to come.  That is why compatibility is so important.  Being with the wrong person will make you feel miserable and detract from where you know that you need to be in life.  We need to find our validation within ourselves, because we cannot really expect others to do it for us.  We will always be disappointed by the unrealistic expectations that we place on others so it is better to enjoy their company but not rely on them.

     As a sensualist, I am happy that I experienced this because nothing compares to actually learning something firsthand rather than vicariously living through the lives of others.  This kind of experience is essential for any writer, and especially for one that relies on their own self experience to inspire them.  How can we write about love and loss if we have no frame of reference.  I am just happy that I have found my inspiration again as well as the means to carry it out.

Paradigm Shifting

     Enlightenment is not always a good thing. So many details have been glossed over to keep things beautiful and pristine in our deluded state. It is amazing how a writer( or many others with the creative spark)will create the story in their minds that they want to live out. In an effort of blind optimism, we take a situation and wrap it in illusions till it satisfies our desires and we are not even aware of doing so.

      But even this cannot last. Cracks appear in the foundation. The paint begins to peel. And soon, the whole structure that built with sweat, blood and dreams begins to collapse from the strain of sustaining false hopes. The tragedy is that it is not instantaneous. In slow motion, then pieces split and crumble into dust, settling softly on you as gaze upwards in disbelief.

      "These are hard times for dreamers," seems to be the motto these days. Social media is a constant affirmation. You watch with a strange sense of detachment as hopes swell and then are snuffed out in a variety of scenarios. In the back of your mind you keep on trying to convince yourself to stay positive in spite of a multitude of evidence that tries to drag you down. Sometimes, it feels like you are fighting a fruitless battle.

On Apathy

   

 There is something that I really hate about apathy, both when it manifests in myself and when I see it in others.  We commonly see love and hate opposing each other but I think that it would be more accurate to say that apathy opposes all feeling.

     Even if hate someone, at least that person evokes emotion in me, even if they are an enemy.  What I would imagine to be infinitely worse, would be that someone means so little to me that they have no power to wring even the faintest feeling from my heart.  At that point, I can easily cut them from my life, like the stems of feeble plants.

     My entire life has been driven my passion and fury, so it very disconcerting to see apathy sneak in my life again and again.  I find myself trying to place the blame on my past naivety and claim that experience in the world just opened my eyes to what was already there, but I call bullshit. Apathy is the enemy and if left unchecked, then it will spread like a cancer until it consumes the rest of my passion and I feel nothing for anyone.  That is simply not something that I can allow to happen.

I Pity Drivers in Big Cities

     Ever since I sold my last vehicle before moving from Florida to Seattle, I have had to use alternative means of transportation.  I am not going to lie, I was pretty sure that I would be miserable but so far it has actually enhanced my experience in Seattle.  Don't get me wrong, I actually love driving, especially the part where you make driving playlists and go on road trips, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I would be overly stressed out and maybe even get in a punching match if I was driving here.

     What I have come to realize though, is how much more you get to experience the city if it is not just sweeping past you vision at sixty miles an hour. At slower paces you have time to absorb and appreciate the environment.  Know, I know that I am very lucky to be able to just walk to work downtown in about twenty minutes or take a  bus in about the same amount of time. I take it for granted sometimes, but every once in a while it really hits me.  One second, I'll be rummaging through my phone for something to listen to then I'll look up and be struck by the light playing off the skyscrapers or the mountains just beyond the urban sprawl.  When I was driving, I feel that I was often so caught up in the act of driving that I would miss these kind of things most of the time.

     I know that I am going to buy a motorcycle sooner or later and I'll start driving again, but for now I am thankful that I can experience the city in this way. I love the chance to be able to see things in a new light and experience things that I would have missed otherwise.

Happiness can be objective

   

Lately, it has been pressed on me just how much my own happiness does not depend on outside circumstances but on myself and the life that I create for myself.  Over and over I see people that have more than me and have had their lives handed to them on a silver platter being chronically depressed and dissatisfied with their lives.  This is hard for me to accept, even though I understand that depression is chemical as well as psychological.  I know this because it is something that I had had to deal with for a very long time.

     It irks me now because I know that I could be depressed even when so many things were going well for me.  I was propagating my own suffering and as a result my life would steadily decline in a downward spiral.  There will always be problems in life.  This is a fact.  We can choose to let those problems dictate how we feel or be happy in spite of them.  I've started to take the latter stance without even noticing it apparently.  It struck me today as I was walking to work and feeling happy.  Why am I happy?  There are literally piles of problems that I could be obsessing about yet here I am, not in delusion that the problems exist, but not worrying about them either.
   
    This is really going to ruin the whole tortured artist I had going.  Damn...oh well.  I will be to busy not wanting to shoot myself for once to actually mind.  I find it funny that something like this emerged out of one the worst bouts of depression that I have ever had in my life.  It was like I was so sick of feeling like shit all the time, that I just turned all feeling off and decided to take a step back for a while and let the chips fall where they may, not something that comes very easily for me.

    I know that it would be naive to think that the depression will disappear entirely, but maybe if I am lucky it can transform into beautiful melancholy that still shapes what I create.

The Count

 


   To say that I can be vindictive would be like saying that Edmond Dantes had a slight bone to pick with the people that wronged him in The Count of Monte Cristo.   It is not something that I am proud of and if I were to blame anything, it would be my choice of literature and film.  I was always drawn to stories of revenge, where the oppressed protagonist exacts what he sees as justice.  That is not to say that I enjoy brutalizing my antagonists(at least not physically), but there is just something that is satisfying about seeing someone who thought they were untouchable, no matter what amount of harm they caused others, get what was coming to them.

     This is a flaw of mine, but who can really say that they have never imagined bad things happening to those who hurt them. I think that it appeals to our baser natures, something that the self-righteous chose to ignore or refuse to admit that it exists. It is a primal need, as deeply ingrained as food or water and it takes an effort of will to deny them. And since I would rather not spend time in jail due to eating someone's kidneys in an act of revenge, I've had to be a little more creative.

     When it comes down to it, revenge is pretty bad for your health. You think that it will makes things better or make things right, but it doesn't satisfy you in the end.  But here is the problem. Try telling someone while smoking about how bad cigarettes are for them and see if you get a positive response.  Knowing that something is bad for you is one thing and actually stopping is another. Lately, I've been trying to be a more positive person and trying to not stew over the things people do to wrong me, and I would definitely say that the process is akin to quitting cigarettes after being a chain smoker for years.
   

Royal Flush

     Any person that follows my Facebook is bound to know that I post a lot from my life, almost to the point that it is voyeuristic.  Although, I would rather have an interesting life that is worth writing about rather than just talking about the details of what I had for lunch or whoever I happen to be dating at the time, because no one really cares.  Any why would they?  On Facebook, you are simply a detached series of pictures with words attached. There is no intrinsic connection, no matter how many poignant song lyrics that you post.

     What I am trying to say is that people see what you decide to show them and even that is limited by each person's power of observation.  I used to play poker poker a lot when I was living in Portland.  I liked the idea of social gaming laws that allowed poker to be played in dimly-lit bars that catered to my deviant nature even more so than casinos.  While I would never say that I was the best player, I did pretty well for myself despite the fact that I broke all the poker stereotypes.  I was never stoic, never wore sunglasses and baseball caps and chattered away while drinking and generally having a good time.  It baffles me how I managed to win consistently at first, but then it hit me.  Someone who is stoic is more likely to have tells that show what you are thinking over someone who projects their persona like a wall around them that protects the fevered thoughts racing inside from being seen.  I  discovered that I could be holding a royal flush that would blow everyone away at the table and still be chattering away like I had nothing of importance.  I imagine that it could be pretty damn infuriating to the people that I was playing against when I would show them my hand at the end.

     I have taken this with me in life.  I have always had a problem with over thinking and over analyzing things.  The inside of my mind always seems to be a raging torrent of thoughts, but I could never get ahead in life if I was an open book to people all the time.  So I decided to take what I had learned and apply it to my every day life.  I could have just been closed off but since my profession is dependent how well known I am, that would be like shooting myself in the foot.  Instead, I crafted a character of who I wanted to be while still keeping my "cards" hidden.  I feel that anyone who has lived in the spotlight and have managed to not have been consumed by the mobs in every aspect of their lives have probably developed a similar approach to their lives.  Part of me wishes that things could be different, but I know better.  I am too aware of human nature to be that naive.

Grasping Shadows

 

    Sometimes what you really need to be able to appreciate something is to watch yourself almost lose it. In the torrents of everything that is going on, the small things sometimes are overlooked with disastrous results.  Reeling back from the edge of the cliff you almost tumbled from, you really have to sit and think how easy it would have been to watch everything you built crumble to pieces around you.  A overwhelming sense of relief floods in, and even though the trouble is still there in the edge of your vision, you know that it is something that you can manage.

Live in Dreams

Sitting on the cigarette butt front porch

I could ask you "are you dead like me?"

Call me what you will, but call me again

It's true I don't talk too much

Because our lips won't last forever

And that's exactly why

I'd rather live in dreams and I'd rather die

Because our lips won't last forever

And that's exactly why

I'd rather live in dreams and I'd rather die

Pretty face could you make the jump with me?

I'm dying just to let things go

Do you remember the lightening storm?

It was the first time that I really felt you

Because our lips won't last forever

And that's exactly why

I'd rather live in dreams and I'd rather die

Because our lips won't last forever

And that's exactly why

I'd rather live in dreams and I'd rather die

We've got eyes on the back of our heads

We've got eyes on the back of our heads

We've got eyes on the back of our heads

We've got eyes on the back of our heads

     One thing that I have learned from years of relationships is that they all end, no matter how meaningful and beautiful they may be.  At first, I found this fact depressing, but I have since begun to find beauty in it.  No matter how much I love summer, I know that in just a few months the colors will shift and the cold winds will roll in and there is nothing that I can do about it, but that is all right, because autumn is beautiful too. 

     People cycle in and out of our lives, just like the change of seasons.  I can let it weigh heavy on my heart or I can appreciate every second that I am given, knowing that I cannot take time for granted.  Whatever happens, I will not be destroyed.  I'll take my memories with me in lieu of possessions.  Those cannot be stolen or lost and are more valuable than any possession will ever be. You cannot truly live life without risking pain, but you can make sure that the pain is worth it.

The Currents of Change

    With the advent of moving out into my own place, everything is suddenly starting to feel a lot more solid and I feel like I am being shaken from the dream state I have been in as all these chaotic events swirl around me.  That is not to say that I am not still in love with new city, but it is nice to get a chance to step back and survey the situation.

     Now, I know that the cold and damp are not for everyone(I use these words, but I don't really feel that it is really that bad here as people it out to be), but I feel that it is pretty damn good trade off for the other things that you get with these cities.  I mean, the difference in culture diversity alone is astounding.  Now, despite how amazing a city is, I still doubt that it will stifle my wanderlust entirely.  It will be nice to have a consistent place to come back to from my travels.

     Even though it seems like many things are changing in my life, I am starting to realize that there are some things that I am simply not willing to sacrifice no matter the cost.  I feel that these attributes are intrinsically tied into who I am and anyone trying to forcibly rend them from my life do not deserve to have a place in my life.  We are not given much time in life and it is too sacred to have it spent on someone who is unwilling to realize its value.

     I feel like I spent so much of my life chasing after people that I shouldn't have been wasting my time with in the first place.  At the end of the day, it difference dawns on you between the people who have a real place in your life and those who are just there for the ride.

     In a lighter note,  I have almost been overwhelmed with how many new things there are to discover here in Seattle.  It seems like I go out every single night and still only be scraping the surface of what this city has to offer.   Gone are the days of feeling like I am settling into a humdrum entertainment regime curated by those with the depth of a damp napkin. I know this is just the beginning of a new exciting life and can't wait to plumb its depths.

Abuse of Power.

     I am by no means a perfect person and I am aware of my faults, however, there are simply some things that cause my blood to surge and boil.  One of these things is men who abuse women.  Being a product of an abusive home and see abuse first hand has made this subject something that strikes very close to home. I have always had an interest in how the mind works, but I still struggle in fathoming how some men can think that it is all right to hurl verbal and physical abuse at women in their lives.

     It is hard to imagine why someone would stay in such an environment.  It is like being such an environment tears the will out of you and instead of putting as much distance as you can between you and the abuser, you stay instead and try to "deal with it" or downplay the effects that it has on you.  Seeing women that are stuck like this break my heart and set my mind aflame with anger at the same time.  I just want to get through to them and help them escape, but it is like they do not want any outside help or are blind to how horrific their situation is.

     My mother was one of these women.  For years, she endured endless abuse, clinging to her misguided Christian beliefs while I pleaded with her to get help or file a divorce. In the end, I took some drastic measures into my own hands that caused my father to be arrested, but even then she simply forgave him and believed that he would change.  It was not until a near-fatal heart condition took my father, that he was changed.  It was like watching a snake that you had feared your entire life be defanged.  You could see that it was docile now, but the memories of what had been done still haunted you like ghosts in the back of your mind.

     It is because of this that I have no mercy towards the abusers of women.  I rarely condone violence, but it is like these men(if these spineless cowards can even be called that) have become subhuman in my books. I would have no qualms with exacting the justice that has been denied them for so long.

Little Details

     When you are away from something long enough, you begin to see things that you never noticed before.  It can be something as simple as the way that the morning light reflects on skyscrapers on your walk to work, or how the wind softly whispers through the evergreens as you sit waiting for the bus.  There are so many things that I took for granted as I was growing up in the Pacific  Northwest that I am seeing in a completely new light.


     The same goes for people which may or may not be a good thing. Sadly, being oblivious is a much easier way to stay happy, but then again, I don't believe that it is a real sort of happiness to live in delusion.  I would rather face the truth than live in a world that is a conjuration of my fanciful imagination. Living like that only ends in pain.


     Anyways, with heightened observation you begin to notice the meanings behind simple looks, thoughtful expressions and other things that you may have previously missed due to living largely in your own mind.  I am not such a fool as to assign deeper meanings to all these things that I notice. Too much scrutiny will only lean to paranoia, but I like to think about it from an artistic perspective and imagine how I would recreate it on canvas or paper. 


      

There is a point that you realize that you are never going to have all the answers and even the questions change while you are trying to figure them out. This fact is a little sad and exciting at the same time. Sad because you know that even your strongest convictions have the ability to dissolve an exciting because you know there there will never be an end to exploration.

Willing Chains

     I have encountered some problems with being fiercely independent.  In an effort to preserve my freedom, there is a tenancy  to keep even those closest to me at an arms length.  The closer they are to me, the more of a grip I feel that they have over me and it sends chills through my veins.  I have no idea how I have become like this.  Maybe it is a backlash to the separation anxiety that I used to have.  It is like I resolved to never let anyone's claws tear so deeply ever again.

    I am not quite sure how I feel about this.  On one hand, I feel more calm and level-headed than I ever have before, but part of me misses the feeling of being swept up in a wave of passion and riding it all the way to it's cataclysmic end.  However, the cost of those highs were gruesome lows that would for months on end so I am not convinced of the wisdom of that way of thinking.

     It has been some time since I traveled.  Life in Florida had been like tap dancing on quick sand and I felt like I was just struggling to get by. Despite the ever present sun, my time there had awakened a darkness in that was consuming every aspect of my life.  Even I was blind to the effects that it had on me.

     It was during this time that someone that cared for me made a sacrifice to get me out.  It was a gift that I will never be able to fully repay, no matter what I do. It gave me hope again to be pulled from the mire that I was drowning in.  And now, I feel that that a part of me that had died long ago is gradually gaining strength again.  It is as if the rain falling from the sky is feeding it like a verdant beast.

     This is a time of meditation for me now, as I am uprooted and replanted and waiting for the dust to settle.  I am not sure about anything right now, except that I need to press forward.  Even in my uncertainty, my path reveals itself with uncanny timing, even though I am not sure where it will take me.