Movement

Epiphanies can be a real bitch, but I think that I am finally starting to be comfortable with the idea of moving on instead of trying to salvage pieces.  There is no going back to this, not at least for a long, long time.  If there hadn't been issues with both of us than the relationship would not have dissolved so quickly.

It took me some time to really think about it, but even if we had gotten back together, I would have still have been racked with doubts and lack of trust, which turns out that it was no unfounded and I am more perceptive than I originally thought.

But that is besides the point.  Let's review the facts.  She is twenty-four, has an eating disorder, self-harms, has OCD,  has a kid,  lives with her ex and his mom, and lacks almost all self-control and responsibility.   That, in of itself, was a recipe for stress and had a high chance for failure.  I need to stop coming into relationships, thinking that people are going to change themselves for the better.  Just because this is something that I do, doesn't mean that someone else will do it.

Of course, I was in love and emotion tends to blind my logic, as was pointed out on numerous occasions.  In a way, I still love her so much, even though that she is not and may never be the right one for me.  I cannot entirely blame her though.  I am drawn to girls like that.  They are interesting, and intrigue me, and a part of me loves just getting swept up into their madness, full of wild colors and noise.

But then again, that is the problem, isn't it?  Getting swept up in the madness.  Soon their problems become my own and that is a heavy burden that awakens things within me that I thought had died long ago.  I had gone so many years without an attempt to harm or kill myself, but I will was driven to the brink, by the depression caused by this mad love.

Thankfully, I am taking steps to make it better.  But, part of moving on is understanding that this is actually going to help me in the long run.  Getting married to someone like that would have shoved me into a life that I was not ready for and chances are that I would have been miserable.  I need to take this time to work on myself and change for the better.  Then in the future, I may be ready to try this again.