Loss

     What do you do when you lose the main thing that you were living for?


     There comes comes the overcoming tendency to react and I did, very badly.  It had been such a long time since I had self-harmed or thought about suicide, but yet she brought it out of me because my life had shifted to only care about her and her problems while mine were left neglected.  I know that she loved me the best that she could, she cannot feel like most people and her lack of understanding and empathy was the source of the majority of my pain.

   And there was a part of me that loved it, but the euphoric highs also came with the devastating lows.  I knew that it was not healthy.  I knew that it was destroying me.  Yet, I continued because I loved her and making her happy gave me purpose.  But in the end, I have to realize that it is not my job alone to make her happy, especially at the cost of my own self.

     This is going to be hard, harder than anything I have ever done in a long time.  I am going to have to let her go and learn to actually love myself.  I cannot allow another people to control as if they were a drug, and the worst kind of drug too, one that is so unpredictable that it almost brings you to the point of death.

     The worst part is that she cannot see the endless pain that she has caused me, she can only see the resulting depression and thus decided that I needed help.  I while I really don't want to, I am starting to realize that I really do need someone to be able to talk to, since there is no one close to me right now in that regard and my best friend moved to Korea.

It hurts so much, my heart almost physically writhing in my chest, but in a sense it was numbing enough for me to really step back and see things for what they are and what needs to be done.  I have given her everything, and doing so I have left nothing for myself.  It is no wonder that my psyche is in ruins.  While I do not blame her for something that I did to myself, she did unknowingly instigate it.  This can actually be positive if I allow it.  This can be a time when I take care of myself and grow and if she can also grow then maybe this will have a happy ending after all.