Lessons Learned

As time passes, things begin to be more clear to me.  Without the overbearing presence of love, I am finally able to really look at things for what they are and I can something positive away from this.  In reality, she was a baggage, she took more than the little she gave.  Really, she only gave me her body and affection but even that was centered around pleasing her.

I am actually starting to realize again how much better it is to be single than to be tethered in an unhealthy relationship.  I am realizing now how much of the stress that was in my life was a direct from her and pushing myself so hard just because I wanted to hang on to something that wasn't right for me in the first place.

I have been reading an interesting book called When Things Fall Apart and I have to say that it has been very helpful in regards to all off this.  It is Buddhist in nature, but it speak so much to my situation.  I have been the cause of all this pain,  buying into this unreal hope of the future instead of just living in the present.  I need to live would focusing so much on the expectations and learn to value every moment that I am given.

I will not lie when I say that there were things that I enjoyed very much about the relationship.  But, I have to realize that it was not unique.  I was not the first and and will not the be the last and the same goes for her.  This is a cycle after all.  And while at first I saw this to be a very depressing realization, I see differently now. Instead of lamenting that I am doomed to repeat the cycle without fulfillment, I need to find fulfillment within the cycle.

I will always be given new opportunities and new adventures in life if I am willing to look for them and not settle.  I shouldn't allow myself to be dragged down so easily by something that doesn't really matter in the first place.  What was I looking for anyways in all of this?  Security?  Stability?  Empathy?  She brought none of these things.  So why am I lamenting a relationship that did not actively help me.  I am the problem, but I am also the solution.  This is the lesson that I need to learn.