It is going to be hard without you, I know, but while I would love to have you in my arms again. This is going to have to be your decision. You are single now and I acknowledge that you may give in to your needs. As much as I cannot bear the thought, I know this to be a reality. I loved you so much and I still do, despite all the pain and suffering that you have caused me. But I loved you without loving myself and this caused me to pour myself out for you without replenishing the source and I began to run dry.
I find it ironic that the person that brought me so much happiness could also bring so much pain, but I really cannot blame you. You are just as broken as I am. The problem came when I based my happiness and identity around you and neglected myself. I mistakenly though that in helping you, the solution to my own problems would become more evident. But as time passed, this proved to not be the case and I had no outlet anymore.
It was my depression that drove a rift between us. This was a unknowing self -sabotage, the climax happening when you decided that we needed to take a break. I was confused and derailed. How could someone who just a few weeks prior been inseparable change so suddenly. And then I had nothing and ran in pursuit, of the oblivion, the darkness, the peace to quell my pounding thoughts.
In some ways, it was a miracle that I wasn't able to complete it as one thought shone brighter than the others, "What about the people that love you? Do you know how much pain you are about to cause?" I wept and wept, realizing what I was doing and tried to staunch the flow of blood, countless paper towels, stained crimson, littering the floor around me.
But now, I have to answer for my actions. Even though she had struggled with the same thing, this did not bring her closer to me, it just drove her away. She thought of the blame that she would have to live with for her whole life, if I had died and it angered her.
Now...I don't know what is going to happen. After talking with her, I decided to go into therapy, not only in the hope that I could rekindle a healthy relationship, but also so that I could find myself again and relearn how to cope with depression.
All in all, I have hope, even though I still have the pain of us both being single and everything that entails. I hope that if we are fated to be together, that we will be together again and this time it will be happy and healthy. It is going to be work and it is going to be a struggle, but I know that in the end it is going to be worth it. Nothing worth having is easy.
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