This last week has been on of deep thought for me, which you would expect after touching death and being able to walk away. That is not a chance that everyone gets. I am starting to see the error in the way that I was living. There was no real culprit, and placing blame will only cover up what really needs to be seen. I was not happy and there was a void in me that I continuously attempted to fill with external sources such as other people and alcohol.
The problem with this, is that sooner or later people leave, or the effects wear off and the desperation sets in as I know I am going to just be left with the Darkness again. It has kept me company for all these years because I allowed it to and listened to it's whispers. I have come to understand, that I may never truly be rid of it, but that doesn't mean that I have to listen to what it has to say.
It is a lot of work to shift from a negative mindset. I know that therapy will help, but I know that without my own effort, it will be in vain. For once, things are going to be about me and my growth. I sacrificed too much of myself for others and allowed my own needs to fall by the wayside. Maybe I really needed this in order to get my head straight again.
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