It is funny how something as simple as a conversation about philosophy can serve as a catalyst break down the walls to thoughts that you thought you had expelled from your mind long ago. It really makes me wonder if that is really who I am and just pretending to be someone else with a mask now.
It all started with a talk about purpose, happiness and fulfillment. How could I explain that my whole life happiness and fulfillment have been fleeting at best and that the only thing that keeping me between a bullet in the brain was purpose? With silvery-sweet words, I was told that life had no purpose and that I should enjoy absolute freedom. Yet, it is this freedom that brings out the darkness in me that I have striven so hard to lock away and throw away the key.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am just kidding myself with all of this, if I am trying to be something that clearly died a long time ago. I always feel like I am wearing a mask and am wary of others looking too deeply in my eyes, lest they see the darkness and infernal spark inside. It has taken a lot of effort to shape myself into something I ca tolerate and keep my thoughts at bay, but I let my guard down and it seems like now they are all coming back.
The strange thing is that I got what I thought I wanted. I found someone who loves me(provided that love exists beyond chemical reactions in the brain) and wants to have a family with me. I feel that this should bring me fulfillment, but I am starting to have a sneaking suspicion that it won't just like I always knew that it wouldn't. Family and procreation never held much appeal for me. They are nice things, just something that I always felt were for other people and not for me. Now, I feel caught up in her dreams and wants, while neglecting mine. What if I don't want this, but am furiously trying to convince myself that this is what I want for her sake. Now I have been infected with doubt and I am starting to see cracks in the foundation. I am afraid...afraid that I will wake beautiful and evanescent dream one day and that this will end badly for everyone.
I really need to take some time to step back and really think about all of this. I need to be sure that I am not deluding myself again and being blinded by feelings and my hopes for a better life. I have been down that road before and I know only too well where it leads. I really need to be realistic about this. Can I really eternally promise myself to someone when I know the possibility that I can let my guard down and finally shed my mortal coil despite knowing how much suffering and damage it would cause. It is times like this that I really wish that I had not been broken beyond repair.
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