It it truly frustrating when you start questioning a decision that you know is right. It seems that no matter much someone has wronged us and we know that it was unhealthy to remain in the situation, our mind is drawn to the good memories that were created instead.
I miss the crafty glint in your eyes when you would look at me. I miss the endless wandering and exploring as we whisked around the city in a blur. I miss having someone to share dreams and goals with as we ambitiously made plans for the future. The world was ours for the taking.
But yet...
Some things just don't work out no matter how hard you try. We both are broken in our own ways and although it would be so easy to just place the blame, I know that I am not entirely blameless. I could have loved more, or trusted more, but after life had taught me some very hard-earned lessons, it was hard to fully trust even someone that I was madly in love with.
Even after detaching from you, I still question my choice to do so, even though I know that it was not healthy being around you. In an effort to be supportive, I drank in your toxicity by the gallon so that your anger became my anger and your stress became mine. It hurts me to leave you, even though I know I must. You can only try to help a drowning victim so much before you realize that the endless flailing is likely to drown you too if you continue to hold on.
I tried to remain callous to what I saw, rationalizing to myself that the changes in you were just a product or stress and that it would wear off soon, but in the back of my mind, I knew the truth. It is a depressing moment when the veil is lifted from your eyes and you finally see what you were intentionally blinding yourself to in an effort of hopeful optimism. The concept of living for yourself at the expense of others is not foreign to me, but I had hoped that things would be different, but this is not the first time that I have blatantly ignored red flags.
I do have to thank you though. Despite everything, I did enjoy what we had together. I am so used to living life on my own, that it was nice to be able to share it with someone else for a while. In the past I would be more depressed and angry at the failure of a relationship, but as I grow older I start to realize that life breaks everyone is some way or another and seeking perfection in another individual is an unrealistic expectation. Instead, it is your flaws, no matter how numerous that make you interesting to me. Perhaps, that is why I am drawn to flawed people, because I know that they have lived life and they have the scars to show for it. Someone without apparent flaws is just hiding who they really are.
With each passing day, I do feel more at peace with the entire affair. Although a romantic part of me really wishes that things were able to work out between us, the rational side of me knows that we both need this and we can never know what is in store for us, despite our meticulous planning. I wish you the best in life and I hold no ill will towards you.
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