Intrigue

When it comes down to it, I am actually happy in how I have transformed over the part couple of years. My whole life was spent in repression. I was never allowed to seek the art(dark or not) that I desired and had to read many books in secret.

I could be bitter about all of that, or I can see it as a sort of blessing. In restraining me, I began to see all of this forbidden art as hidden treasure to be found. Now, I consume art in all it's forms in the same way that others consume food and water. This is what I crave more than anything and someone that I live must also have a love for art or we will never be compatible.

If Something Is Dead, Bury It.

As time passes, we learn to emotionally detach ourselves from situations and actually look at them for what they are. I wonder if this means that I am starting to heal, or if not heal, at least move on with my life. It feels good.

It was true. If there is a void in me, someone else will not be able to fill it. If anything, they will only briefly distract me and then accentuate its intensity. I need to find a way to deal with the void within myself on my own.

Still Corners

The pain ebbs, but in the dark corners of my mind, thoughts of her still remain, of the future we will have, of shattered dreams and hopes. I was never sure if I believed in ghosts, but now I live haunted by these thoughts that linger in the shadows of my mind.

I know now, that I was not the one at fault, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that things were not different, that I had indeed found the woman that I would spend the rest of my life with. Sure, the single life can be fun, but I think deep down all I want is someone to share adventures with and travel the world.

Maybe, I was just projecting these dreams onto someone who really could never satisfy them. I loved her, but to be realistic she may have had too much baggage that only served to accentuate my own issue. For so long, I had been able to keep them under control, but with her in the picture, I neglected them.

I am going to have to handle all of this alone for a little while until I can get some solid ground under my feet. Only then, can I truly be there for someone else. Think of the times when you were needed but couldn't because of the situation you were in. I think that is the real reason that you were angry and sad, not just for the woman you lost, but because you felt that it was over something that you could have prevented.

So? What now? I can either choose to live in bitterness about all of this or I can learn from it and try to be better. This is a tough road that I have ahead of me but there is a prize waiting for me on the other end.

The condition of solitude.

Tomorrow, it will have been a month since Sae broke up with me. This has been the hardest month that I have had to go through in such a long time. I wish I could say that I was healing, but somehow I don't think that is the case. I think I am just getting used to the pain until it is just a dull ache.

Still, I know that this normal for something like this. Part of me knows that the things ahead are better than what I leave behind, but that still does not diminish all the feelings and memories that I have from the last few months. So many places make me think of her. Once these filled me with fondness, but now I am just sad and angry. I can only hope that more time will make this easier.

In the meantime, all I can do is work on myself and distract myself with things that would usually make me happy, and sometimes I am. And then there are days like today and yesterday, where I feel really lonely and miss her even though I know that I shouldn't. It makes me wonder if it is her that I miss or rather the feeling of loving someone and the companionship associated with that. However, when looking back at the latter part of the relationship, I know there were many times I felt unappreciated and misunderstood. Maybe part of me wanted her to be someone else and I was just settling with her because I still loved her.

When I think about it like that, it does give me hope. I should not just look for the physical satisfaction, but also someone that really does get me and I can click with, someone who can feel and love, and appreciate the artistic things in life.

Maybe this will help me get through days like these where I wonder if I can ever find someone. I should not have to compromise what I want just because I am lonely. I must never forget that.

Giving Thanks

It seems like a strange time for me to be giving thanks, with the woman I loved leaving me to get married to someone else, but I do have things to be thankful for. If everything goes well, I may have land two amazing jobs that I have the option to choose from. Also, the more time that I spend away from her, the more I realize that she would never be able to fi the Void in my life anyways.

But I did love her, of that I am sure off. I took my battered and broken heart and offered what was left to her. I am happy to know that I still have the capacity to love despite everything that I have been through. I even know that one day, I may even love again and that , in of itself, is a miracle of sorts.

Until then, I am thankful for what I have: freedom, intelligence, a new job, affordable living, and people who actually do care about me. Last night and today, I saw my new friends were not there because of who I was dating, but rather that they enjoy having me around, with or without Sae, and that made me happy.

Closing time.

It is a shock when the woman that you once loved rushes into marriage with someone else. Is this just to smite me, or is it actually for real? I guess at this point it doesn't matter. It was just that I never expected this. Thankfully, it was just a short amount of time that I wasted, but then again, I have never loved anyone as much as her...and parts of me wonder if I ever will.

Maybe it would be better to be a perpetual bachelor. I don't know if I can go through all of this again, or at least for a very long time. I mean, I was lonely being single, but it is this better than the rudderless feeling of falling in love with someone and having your heart torn from your chest. Part of me knows that I will have a more exciting life, but another part knows that this is really what I wanted all along.

Oh, well...

There is nothing I can do about it now. This is the hand I was dealt and this is what I have to play with.

Lessons Learned

As time passes, things begin to be more clear to me.  Without the overbearing presence of love, I am finally able to really look at things for what they are and I can something positive away from this.  In reality, she was a baggage, she took more than the little she gave.  Really, she only gave me her body and affection but even that was centered around pleasing her.

I am actually starting to realize again how much better it is to be single than to be tethered in an unhealthy relationship.  I am realizing now how much of the stress that was in my life was a direct from her and pushing myself so hard just because I wanted to hang on to something that wasn't right for me in the first place.

I have been reading an interesting book called When Things Fall Apart and I have to say that it has been very helpful in regards to all off this.  It is Buddhist in nature, but it speak so much to my situation.  I have been the cause of all this pain,  buying into this unreal hope of the future instead of just living in the present.  I need to live would focusing so much on the expectations and learn to value every moment that I am given.

I will not lie when I say that there were things that I enjoyed very much about the relationship.  But, I have to realize that it was not unique.  I was not the first and and will not the be the last and the same goes for her.  This is a cycle after all.  And while at first I saw this to be a very depressing realization, I see differently now. Instead of lamenting that I am doomed to repeat the cycle without fulfillment, I need to find fulfillment within the cycle.

I will always be given new opportunities and new adventures in life if I am willing to look for them and not settle.  I shouldn't allow myself to be dragged down so easily by something that doesn't really matter in the first place.  What was I looking for anyways in all of this?  Security?  Stability?  Empathy?  She brought none of these things.  So why am I lamenting a relationship that did not actively help me.  I am the problem, but I am also the solution.  This is the lesson that I need to learn.  

Starting Over

This has been quite an interesting weekend.  Part of me feels like I am finally starting to return to my old self again, but there is part of me that knows that my "old self" doesn't really exist anymore.  The truth is that from every experience that we go though, we are irrevocably changed and we can never really go back.  Sure, there is a core essence that will always be there, but it would be foolish to think that people are permanent. 

That is what life is all about,  the canvas and the color, pain and pleasure, light and darkness.  Each thing that happens is only part of the whole picture.  As much as I would love to deny the pain and escape from its reach, I know that doing so would take me from the reach of pleasure as well.  I know that for many reasons, the last few months were some of the best that I have ever had, despite much of the stress and pain that it may have caused. While I wish that it would not have ended or at least ended differently, if someone had laid it all out before me beforehand, I would have chosen it regardless of knowing the outcome.

Part of me doesn't know if I will ever be able to forgive or trust Sera ever again.  It is sad, but in reality, it really doesn't matter.  If it were to ever happen, it would be in the future and both of us would be different people then and it would be foolish to think that we would be able to pick up right where we left off.  At that time, she would have to earn my trust again anyways, so there is not much reason to think about it too much right now.

All in all, I think that I am growing and becoming much stronger from all of this.  While, I do wish that I was naive and innocent like in the past, no one can last like that in reality.  Life always happens and then we are changed by it.  But I will choose to try and fight bitterness.  I do want want to allow bad things that happen to prevent me from looking for other good things in life.  I know that things will get better.  This is not simply a blind hope that leads to disappointment but an acknowledged truth of the cycles of life. 

Lingering Thoughts

Even as I move on, there will always be a part of me that belongs to her. As I look back, I realize that for a little while, I had something beautiful. It may not have been the right person or perfect, but it was nice to only love for one person in my life and know that for a time I was loved in return.

Maybe it was not her entirely that I was looking for, but the feeling of being in love. Love may be transient and may devastate when we lose it, but I could never see myself abandoning it. It has too much of a hold on me like a drug.

This is a good realization. So many times after something like this happens, I would usually vow to never love again and just burn through endless an string of flings. Granted, I am beginning to separate sex and love, I will always have a little difficulty having sex without tying a bit of emotion to it. I guess that is just the way I am and I need to just learn to tame them a little better.

I know that things will get better with time. This was just another torrent of experience that will add to my story.

The Problem with Love

The problem with love is that it is not so easily banished.  You could wish that with the damage done that the feelings would just leave, but it seems that is not the not the case.  I still love her more than everything and my dreams are filled with her.  But I have to wait...I have to.  We both need to heal and grow if we are going to be friends and maybe something more in the future.  Her fear and abandonment hurt me, and my attempt hurt her and now the only thing that I can do is to give it time.  Part of me really does believe that we are meant for each other and that is the hardest part.  I just wished that she would have just fought through her fears, but what I did drove her to her actions as well.

In the meantime, I need to shake off all this pain and continue to live my life.  I need to improve myself there is nothing to be gained if I don't change myself.  Even though I don't want it right now, I know that when one door closes another one opens.  It is possible that we both have a lot of growing to do before we can be together and I am not about to discard her entirely.  That would accomplish nothing but invalidate the relationship that I have built.  I need to not be bitter and continue to press on.  I had some amazing times in the months and some really tough times too.  I know that this is not the end.  This is only the first chapter.

I will get through this.  I will not just sit on the sidelines and let my life pass me by.  I will continue to live and fight.  I was a fool to almost have given up so easily.  Nothing worth having in life comes easy.  Even though, I know that it may not be Sae, that is all right.  I love her anyways and it is important to me to see her being happy.  But I need to be happy too, and, that too, is something that I am going to have to fight for.

I will not lose hope.  There is always hope.

Movement

Epiphanies can be a real bitch, but I think that I am finally starting to be comfortable with the idea of moving on instead of trying to salvage pieces.  There is no going back to this, not at least for a long, long time.  If there hadn't been issues with both of us than the relationship would not have dissolved so quickly.

It took me some time to really think about it, but even if we had gotten back together, I would have still have been racked with doubts and lack of trust, which turns out that it was no unfounded and I am more perceptive than I originally thought.

But that is besides the point.  Let's review the facts.  She is twenty-four, has an eating disorder, self-harms, has OCD,  has a kid,  lives with her ex and his mom, and lacks almost all self-control and responsibility.   That, in of itself, was a recipe for stress and had a high chance for failure.  I need to stop coming into relationships, thinking that people are going to change themselves for the better.  Just because this is something that I do, doesn't mean that someone else will do it.

Of course, I was in love and emotion tends to blind my logic, as was pointed out on numerous occasions.  In a way, I still love her so much, even though that she is not and may never be the right one for me.  I cannot entirely blame her though.  I am drawn to girls like that.  They are interesting, and intrigue me, and a part of me loves just getting swept up into their madness, full of wild colors and noise.

But then again, that is the problem, isn't it?  Getting swept up in the madness.  Soon their problems become my own and that is a heavy burden that awakens things within me that I thought had died long ago.  I had gone so many years without an attempt to harm or kill myself, but I will was driven to the brink, by the depression caused by this mad love.

Thankfully, I am taking steps to make it better.  But, part of moving on is understanding that this is actually going to help me in the long run.  Getting married to someone like that would have shoved me into a life that I was not ready for and chances are that I would have been miserable.  I need to take this time to work on myself and change for the better.  Then in the future, I may be ready to try this again.

Freedom

It  has been a week since the indecent.  It has been really hard letting go, but I think that I am finally able to.  I was sick of just waiting around for her whims, dangling the promise of a relationship while sleeping around with other guys.  All of her friends kept on telling me to let her go and walk away, but I still clung to hope with her.

Last night was the last straw, I had run into her best friend before I went out and she told me how evil Sae was being.  I couldn't believe my ears and I could feel my heart clench in my chest.  I didn't want to believe, but I knew that it had to be true.

When I ran into her later, I confronted her, but she was just drunk and laughed, but later I had to deal with her accusing me of just assuming things and that I didn't know what I was talking about when I obviously did.  The pain was just too much and I allowed myself to be sucked in and we a long and drawn out argument

This morning, it just continued and I started to realize that I am not willing to fight for this anymore.  I tried and I tried till it drove me nuts, because I loved her, but you cannot help someone that does not want to be helped and I deserve better than that.  At this point, the cons outweigh the pros, so I am going to leave and focus on myself for a while.

Someday I will have something better and the pain of this moment will just fade into faint scars.