This last week has been on of deep thought for me, which you would expect after touching death and being able to walk away. That is not a chance that everyone gets. I am starting to see the error in the way that I was living. There was no real culprit, and placing blame will only cover up what really needs to be seen. I was not happy and there was a void in me that I continuously attempted to fill with external sources such as other people and alcohol.
The problem with this, is that sooner or later people leave, or the effects wear off and the desperation sets in as I know I am going to just be left with the Darkness again. It has kept me company for all these years because I allowed it to and listened to it's whispers. I have come to understand, that I may never truly be rid of it, but that doesn't mean that I have to listen to what it has to say.
It is a lot of work to shift from a negative mindset. I know that therapy will help, but I know that without my own effort, it will be in vain. For once, things are going to be about me and my growth. I sacrificed too much of myself for others and allowed my own needs to fall by the wayside. Maybe I really needed this in order to get my head straight again.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Inflicted pain
I am starting to grasp the extent of how much my attempt hurt her, just based off of how cold and harsh she is being. Part of me really wants to be furious with her for her rash decisions to sleep with someone else right after we decide to take a break, but she is single now and that is part of what that entails. I still have hope though, regardless of how this turns out. While I really do hope that we would get back together, I know that it has to be under the right circumstances. I was stressed and unhappy a lot for a damn good reason and I have no intention to going back to that, especially after what happened.
Right now, I just need to just focus on getting healthy and doing the things that make me happy. She did have a really good point. I have to stop basing my happiness on other people, because if I do then their random whims have the ability to devastate me and I never want to go through that ever again.
Right now, I just need to just focus on getting healthy and doing the things that make me happy. She did have a really good point. I have to stop basing my happiness on other people, because if I do then their random whims have the ability to devastate me and I never want to go through that ever again.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Day two
It is going to be hard without you, I know, but while I would love to have you in my arms again. This is going to have to be your decision. You are single now and I acknowledge that you may give in to your needs. As much as I cannot bear the thought, I know this to be a reality. I loved you so much and I still do, despite all the pain and suffering that you have caused me. But I loved you without loving myself and this caused me to pour myself out for you without replenishing the source and I began to run dry.
I find it ironic that the person that brought me so much happiness could also bring so much pain, but I really cannot blame you. You are just as broken as I am. The problem came when I based my happiness and identity around you and neglected myself. I mistakenly though that in helping you, the solution to my own problems would become more evident. But as time passed, this proved to not be the case and I had no outlet anymore.
It was my depression that drove a rift between us. This was a unknowing self -sabotage, the climax happening when you decided that we needed to take a break. I was confused and derailed. How could someone who just a few weeks prior been inseparable change so suddenly. And then I had nothing and ran in pursuit, of the oblivion, the darkness, the peace to quell my pounding thoughts.
In some ways, it was a miracle that I wasn't able to complete it as one thought shone brighter than the others, "What about the people that love you? Do you know how much pain you are about to cause?" I wept and wept, realizing what I was doing and tried to staunch the flow of blood, countless paper towels, stained crimson, littering the floor around me.
But now, I have to answer for my actions. Even though she had struggled with the same thing, this did not bring her closer to me, it just drove her away. She thought of the blame that she would have to live with for her whole life, if I had died and it angered her.
Now...I don't know what is going to happen. After talking with her, I decided to go into therapy, not only in the hope that I could rekindle a healthy relationship, but also so that I could find myself again and relearn how to cope with depression.
All in all, I have hope, even though I still have the pain of us both being single and everything that entails. I hope that if we are fated to be together, that we will be together again and this time it will be happy and healthy. It is going to be work and it is going to be a struggle, but I know that in the end it is going to be worth it. Nothing worth having is easy.
I find it ironic that the person that brought me so much happiness could also bring so much pain, but I really cannot blame you. You are just as broken as I am. The problem came when I based my happiness and identity around you and neglected myself. I mistakenly though that in helping you, the solution to my own problems would become more evident. But as time passed, this proved to not be the case and I had no outlet anymore.
It was my depression that drove a rift between us. This was a unknowing self -sabotage, the climax happening when you decided that we needed to take a break. I was confused and derailed. How could someone who just a few weeks prior been inseparable change so suddenly. And then I had nothing and ran in pursuit, of the oblivion, the darkness, the peace to quell my pounding thoughts.
In some ways, it was a miracle that I wasn't able to complete it as one thought shone brighter than the others, "What about the people that love you? Do you know how much pain you are about to cause?" I wept and wept, realizing what I was doing and tried to staunch the flow of blood, countless paper towels, stained crimson, littering the floor around me.
But now, I have to answer for my actions. Even though she had struggled with the same thing, this did not bring her closer to me, it just drove her away. She thought of the blame that she would have to live with for her whole life, if I had died and it angered her.
Now...I don't know what is going to happen. After talking with her, I decided to go into therapy, not only in the hope that I could rekindle a healthy relationship, but also so that I could find myself again and relearn how to cope with depression.
All in all, I have hope, even though I still have the pain of us both being single and everything that entails. I hope that if we are fated to be together, that we will be together again and this time it will be happy and healthy. It is going to be work and it is going to be a struggle, but I know that in the end it is going to be worth it. Nothing worth having is easy.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Loss
What do you do when you lose the main thing that you were living for?
There comes comes the overcoming tendency to react and I did, very badly. It had been such a long time since I had self-harmed or thought about suicide, but yet she brought it out of me because my life had shifted to only care about her and her problems while mine were left neglected. I know that she loved me the best that she could, she cannot feel like most people and her lack of understanding and empathy was the source of the majority of my pain.
And there was a part of me that loved it, but the euphoric highs also came with the devastating lows. I knew that it was not healthy. I knew that it was destroying me. Yet, I continued because I loved her and making her happy gave me purpose. But in the end, I have to realize that it is not my job alone to make her happy, especially at the cost of my own self.
This is going to be hard, harder than anything I have ever done in a long time. I am going to have to let her go and learn to actually love myself. I cannot allow another people to control as if they were a drug, and the worst kind of drug too, one that is so unpredictable that it almost brings you to the point of death.
The worst part is that she cannot see the endless pain that she has caused me, she can only see the resulting depression and thus decided that I needed help. I while I really don't want to, I am starting to realize that I really do need someone to be able to talk to, since there is no one close to me right now in that regard and my best friend moved to Korea.
It hurts so much, my heart almost physically writhing in my chest, but in a sense it was numbing enough for me to really step back and see things for what they are and what needs to be done. I have given her everything, and doing so I have left nothing for myself. It is no wonder that my psyche is in ruins. While I do not blame her for something that I did to myself, she did unknowingly instigate it. This can actually be positive if I allow it. This can be a time when I take care of myself and grow and if she can also grow then maybe this will have a happy ending after all.
There comes comes the overcoming tendency to react and I did, very badly. It had been such a long time since I had self-harmed or thought about suicide, but yet she brought it out of me because my life had shifted to only care about her and her problems while mine were left neglected. I know that she loved me the best that she could, she cannot feel like most people and her lack of understanding and empathy was the source of the majority of my pain.
And there was a part of me that loved it, but the euphoric highs also came with the devastating lows. I knew that it was not healthy. I knew that it was destroying me. Yet, I continued because I loved her and making her happy gave me purpose. But in the end, I have to realize that it is not my job alone to make her happy, especially at the cost of my own self.
This is going to be hard, harder than anything I have ever done in a long time. I am going to have to let her go and learn to actually love myself. I cannot allow another people to control as if they were a drug, and the worst kind of drug too, one that is so unpredictable that it almost brings you to the point of death.
The worst part is that she cannot see the endless pain that she has caused me, she can only see the resulting depression and thus decided that I needed help. I while I really don't want to, I am starting to realize that I really do need someone to be able to talk to, since there is no one close to me right now in that regard and my best friend moved to Korea.
It hurts so much, my heart almost physically writhing in my chest, but in a sense it was numbing enough for me to really step back and see things for what they are and what needs to be done. I have given her everything, and doing so I have left nothing for myself. It is no wonder that my psyche is in ruins. While I do not blame her for something that I did to myself, she did unknowingly instigate it. This can actually be positive if I allow it. This can be a time when I take care of myself and grow and if she can also grow then maybe this will have a happy ending after all.
Friday, October 26, 2012
The Veil
The rain pattered softly as he walked in the darkness. Unmindful of the damp soaking through his clothing, he pressed forward with endless thoughts barraging his already fragile mind. He had almost lost her and he knew that it was his fault and his fault alone. Even now, she hung by a thread, just a breath from being lost to him forever
The self-sabotage had been insidious, spreading from his subconscious fear. Only when it was too late, did he realize what was happening. Words were spoken and a fight ensued. All of his fear, resentment and hurt that he had been bottling up within, seethed out, not in an explosion, but it was horrible just the same.
He had allowed his neglect to hurt the one he loved, something that he had promised before allowing to happen. It was not even though his actions. He had simply given her the tool and left her to act.
He stopped, seeing his reflection in a large puddle, saw the pained and bleary eyes staring back at him, before bringing down his foot with deliberate force to disrupt the reflection and continuing on his way.
It was ironic that as a man of the pen, he could not believe the reassurances that she loved him. Perhaps he knew how easily it was to create fiction with a simple wag of the tongue or twitch of the pen. Even though he put such high value on words, he needed the actions to back them up and that his how the pain of the past had caused the doubts to appear.
His whole life, he had never known true love. Yes, he had loved, but it was unrequited. The love he thought he felt always trickled away and revealed itself to be simply delusion. And again, he would chase after another, telling himself that this time things would be different, he would show her the world and she would love him with her whole heart. But each time, discovered the that love story that he had been writing was entirely in his mind and there was no love to be had. He was alone, as he ever was.
It was this past that always weigh on him when he was with her. He never knew if what he felt was from his mind alone or if there was love here and his hurt had simply cauterized his ability to feel it. He wanted this to be real with everything within him, but as his love for her grew so did the pain and the doubt. When it grew to be to much to bear he tried to seek comfort and understanding in solitude, unknowingly triggering her fear of abandonment and doing more harm than good.
And now, both stand shaken, each facing a battle in their minds between love and fear. The future is not certain, but then again it was never really certain to begin with. The only way to press forward to understand the risk of pain and to decide that the promise of eventually finding love is worth it.
And it is, it really is, he thinks as his tears mix with the rain slowly falling on his face, and he smiles. He would take the pain all over again, just for the chance at true love again.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Positive
I have been noticing that I have been using this as primarily an outlet for just negative thoughts and after several conversations that I have had I have determined that this has been severely limiting myself, I refuse to just spill out poison and keep all of my positive feelings locked deep inside. Lack of communication and negativity almost caused me to lose something that is very ear to me and I will not make that same mistake again. Before I can expect others to change, I have to portray the change myself.
It is always so much easier to look at the faults of other while ignoring our own that are blatantly staring us in the face. It was helpful to actually step back to see what what is important and what I really need to work on to resolve everything that I have been going through.
As part of this, I am going to make an effort to articulate my thoughts more in an effort to not pent things up so much until they explode. I think that it what the true origin of the problem was in the first place. And while others may be at fault, in the end, they are beyond my control so I might as well work on something that will improve me regardless of the outcome.
It is always so much easier to look at the faults of other while ignoring our own that are blatantly staring us in the face. It was helpful to actually step back to see what what is important and what I really need to work on to resolve everything that I have been going through.
As part of this, I am going to make an effort to articulate my thoughts more in an effort to not pent things up so much until they explode. I think that it what the true origin of the problem was in the first place. And while others may be at fault, in the end, they are beyond my control so I might as well work on something that will improve me regardless of the outcome.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Awake
It is amazing what a little sleep can do you your mind. The thing is, I know that I had dreams but I can only remember glimpses.
The sadness that I was feeling before has also evolved somewhat as well. It has turned into more of a melancholy, which in some ways is even more beautiful and serene than basic happiness.
My thoughts have shed some light on all of this and while this doesn't exactly improve the situation, I have been through this before and survived. I have the writing to prove it. That doesn't mean that,if it does happen,it won't be painful, but when it happened before, I didn't fall subject to the dram urges when I the thought the pain was to much to bear.
I think that this all shows that you can take a positive or negative approach to anything and that if I just keep my guard up when I are warning signs, I will be able to minimize the pain that I will have to go through.
The sadness that I was feeling before has also evolved somewhat as well. It has turned into more of a melancholy, which in some ways is even more beautiful and serene than basic happiness.
My thoughts have shed some light on all of this and while this doesn't exactly improve the situation, I have been through this before and survived. I have the writing to prove it. That doesn't mean that,if it does happen,it won't be painful, but when it happened before, I didn't fall subject to the dram urges when I the thought the pain was to much to bear.
I think that this all shows that you can take a positive or negative approach to anything and that if I just keep my guard up when I are warning signs, I will be able to minimize the pain that I will have to go through.
Seeds of Doubt
Sometimes, it is the things that people do when they are not aware that cause the most damage. And as she sits, blind and oblivious, I am forced to just smile and shrug and pretend that I am not being crushed by the pressure of turbulent thoughts.
Some things cannot and should not be swept under the rug and sooner or later a decision will have to be made. The last few days have served to open my eyes to the condition of this situation, but there is not much that I can do now, but wait and see.
If action follows and proves that the words spoken were not empty promises, then there still may be a future for us. But something has to change. Life is too short to be willingly miserable and I should know better than to repeat the mistakes of the past.
I have experienced this enough times to recognize the warning signs, but I choose to enjoy what time I have been given and learn from it, instead of only fretting for the future. If this is meant to be then it will work out, if it isn't, then no amount if worrying on my part can save it.
Some things cannot and should not be swept under the rug and sooner or later a decision will have to be made. The last few days have served to open my eyes to the condition of this situation, but there is not much that I can do now, but wait and see.
If action follows and proves that the words spoken were not empty promises, then there still may be a future for us. But something has to change. Life is too short to be willingly miserable and I should know better than to repeat the mistakes of the past.
I have experienced this enough times to recognize the warning signs, but I choose to enjoy what time I have been given and learn from it, instead of only fretting for the future. If this is meant to be then it will work out, if it isn't, then no amount if worrying on my part can save it.
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