As the mist clears, I am left to see things for how they are. There are things that I can change and there are things that I must simply accept or reject. In this case, I have taken the path of rejection, choosing to cut out the negative influence like a cancerous lump and move on despite the pain and attachment. Even as someone that is often ruled by passion and emotion, I cannot evade glaringly obvious logic when it is staring me in the face. The fact that I was able to ignore it to this point is still something that amazes me.
The last few weeks have been turbulent and despite the outward antagonist, the real enemy was in my mind. I always have been prone to over-thinking and settling for less than I deserve from people, but that time of my life has slowly been fading away and thank god for that. I am finally feeling a calm descend on me and although I do wish that things were different, I am willing to accept the reality of the situation and move on with my life.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
New Visions
One of my favorite things to do is to walk around metropolitan area with headphones in just observe the teeming life swirl around me. I find that it helps remind me of all the possibilities that living in this city has to offer. There are so many people and each one has a story. Sure, not all of them may be exciting or relevant to me, but the fact that my attentions had been focused one person alone for so long just seems ludicrous to me now.
I really do believe that only boring people can be bored all the time, especially in a city like this. There is really no excuse or cause to be bored here. If you cannot find something to do when you are surrounded by endless possibility, you are the problem not the environment. I think that part of the reason that I am bothered so much by this behavior has to do with the fact I am usually preoccupied with ten things at a time at any given moment and I have trouble comprehending minds so vacant that they cannot find anything to stimulate or amuse them.
I am also very blessed to have found a lot of people to be close to that help me better myself and stimulate me to. I have a tendency of feeling stagnant if I keep to myself too much. I need a constant flow of new ideas and people to share and collaborate with. I guess that is part of the reason of moving here to begin with. There were some nice things about Tampa, but ultimately, I was not being intellectually fed and I had to get out before it completely killed my creative process. I try not to make a habit of harboring regrets though, I know that each event and experience is simply a another chapter that serves to shape me into who I am today.
I really do believe that only boring people can be bored all the time, especially in a city like this. There is really no excuse or cause to be bored here. If you cannot find something to do when you are surrounded by endless possibility, you are the problem not the environment. I think that part of the reason that I am bothered so much by this behavior has to do with the fact I am usually preoccupied with ten things at a time at any given moment and I have trouble comprehending minds so vacant that they cannot find anything to stimulate or amuse them.
I am also very blessed to have found a lot of people to be close to that help me better myself and stimulate me to. I have a tendency of feeling stagnant if I keep to myself too much. I need a constant flow of new ideas and people to share and collaborate with. I guess that is part of the reason of moving here to begin with. There were some nice things about Tampa, but ultimately, I was not being intellectually fed and I had to get out before it completely killed my creative process. I try not to make a habit of harboring regrets though, I know that each event and experience is simply a another chapter that serves to shape me into who I am today.
Monday, June 18, 2012
New Chapters
In an effort shrug off the wreckage of the past, I decided to go out. Briskly descending the stairs, bottle in hand, I emerged into a soft mist. The moisture touched my face like soft kisses. My eyes misted too before I drained the bottle and smashed it against the building and proceeded at a brisk pace.
The bar was dimly lit with soft, red lights that turned the garish surroundings into a flurry of crimson shadows. I thought it funny that I would come to a bar to be alone, but then again sometimes you never feel more alone than when in the midst of a crowd.
Here lies the problems of passion. We are given high highs and low lows and as I ordered another drink I could feel the pendulum in full swing. By adapting to these outward catalysts, I am shedding skins. You could call it growth, but that would also be indicating a positive change.
These days, I am not sure that I recognize the eyes looking back at me from the mirror. They are too hard and sharp for my tastes. And while there is still a warm spark and a mischievous glint, they look tempered by something...pain, perhaps. Yes, I know that time will heal all wounds. I have been told this time and time again. But no one tells you that these wounds leave scars that will never go away, serving to remind us of a time before pain, where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
Some would call this depression, but I am afraid that I would have to disagree. Maybe it was at the beginning, but time has caused it to evolve into something else. We can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness with its nostalgia and the art that we create from it. Maybe it is not healthy, but then again artists were never really known for being healthy people. Maybe we are to blame but placing ourselves in situations that stimulate our creative process.
With these thoughts swimming in my mind. I left the revelry behind and ascended the steps that would take me into the night.
I love you...but I have chosen darkness.
The bar was dimly lit with soft, red lights that turned the garish surroundings into a flurry of crimson shadows. I thought it funny that I would come to a bar to be alone, but then again sometimes you never feel more alone than when in the midst of a crowd.
Here lies the problems of passion. We are given high highs and low lows and as I ordered another drink I could feel the pendulum in full swing. By adapting to these outward catalysts, I am shedding skins. You could call it growth, but that would also be indicating a positive change.
These days, I am not sure that I recognize the eyes looking back at me from the mirror. They are too hard and sharp for my tastes. And while there is still a warm spark and a mischievous glint, they look tempered by something...pain, perhaps. Yes, I know that time will heal all wounds. I have been told this time and time again. But no one tells you that these wounds leave scars that will never go away, serving to remind us of a time before pain, where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
Some would call this depression, but I am afraid that I would have to disagree. Maybe it was at the beginning, but time has caused it to evolve into something else. We can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness with its nostalgia and the art that we create from it. Maybe it is not healthy, but then again artists were never really known for being healthy people. Maybe we are to blame but placing ourselves in situations that stimulate our creative process.
With these thoughts swimming in my mind. I left the revelry behind and ascended the steps that would take me into the night.
I love you...but I have chosen darkness.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Unanswered Questions
It it truly frustrating when you start questioning a decision that you know is right. It seems that no matter much someone has wronged us and we know that it was unhealthy to remain in the situation, our mind is drawn to the good memories that were created instead.
I miss the crafty glint in your eyes when you would look at me. I miss the endless wandering and exploring as we whisked around the city in a blur. I miss having someone to share dreams and goals with as we ambitiously made plans for the future. The world was ours for the taking.
But yet...
Some things just don't work out no matter how hard you try. We both are broken in our own ways and although it would be so easy to just place the blame, I know that I am not entirely blameless. I could have loved more, or trusted more, but after life had taught me some very hard-earned lessons, it was hard to fully trust even someone that I was madly in love with.
Even after detaching from you, I still question my choice to do so, even though I know that it was not healthy being around you. In an effort to be supportive, I drank in your toxicity by the gallon so that your anger became my anger and your stress became mine. It hurts me to leave you, even though I know I must. You can only try to help a drowning victim so much before you realize that the endless flailing is likely to drown you too if you continue to hold on.
I tried to remain callous to what I saw, rationalizing to myself that the changes in you were just a product or stress and that it would wear off soon, but in the back of my mind, I knew the truth. It is a depressing moment when the veil is lifted from your eyes and you finally see what you were intentionally blinding yourself to in an effort of hopeful optimism. The concept of living for yourself at the expense of others is not foreign to me, but I had hoped that things would be different, but this is not the first time that I have blatantly ignored red flags.
I do have to thank you though. Despite everything, I did enjoy what we had together. I am so used to living life on my own, that it was nice to be able to share it with someone else for a while. In the past I would be more depressed and angry at the failure of a relationship, but as I grow older I start to realize that life breaks everyone is some way or another and seeking perfection in another individual is an unrealistic expectation. Instead, it is your flaws, no matter how numerous that make you interesting to me. Perhaps, that is why I am drawn to flawed people, because I know that they have lived life and they have the scars to show for it. Someone without apparent flaws is just hiding who they really are.
With each passing day, I do feel more at peace with the entire affair. Although a romantic part of me really wishes that things were able to work out between us, the rational side of me knows that we both need this and we can never know what is in store for us, despite our meticulous planning. I wish you the best in life and I hold no ill will towards you.
I miss the crafty glint in your eyes when you would look at me. I miss the endless wandering and exploring as we whisked around the city in a blur. I miss having someone to share dreams and goals with as we ambitiously made plans for the future. The world was ours for the taking.
But yet...
Some things just don't work out no matter how hard you try. We both are broken in our own ways and although it would be so easy to just place the blame, I know that I am not entirely blameless. I could have loved more, or trusted more, but after life had taught me some very hard-earned lessons, it was hard to fully trust even someone that I was madly in love with.
Even after detaching from you, I still question my choice to do so, even though I know that it was not healthy being around you. In an effort to be supportive, I drank in your toxicity by the gallon so that your anger became my anger and your stress became mine. It hurts me to leave you, even though I know I must. You can only try to help a drowning victim so much before you realize that the endless flailing is likely to drown you too if you continue to hold on.
I tried to remain callous to what I saw, rationalizing to myself that the changes in you were just a product or stress and that it would wear off soon, but in the back of my mind, I knew the truth. It is a depressing moment when the veil is lifted from your eyes and you finally see what you were intentionally blinding yourself to in an effort of hopeful optimism. The concept of living for yourself at the expense of others is not foreign to me, but I had hoped that things would be different, but this is not the first time that I have blatantly ignored red flags.
I do have to thank you though. Despite everything, I did enjoy what we had together. I am so used to living life on my own, that it was nice to be able to share it with someone else for a while. In the past I would be more depressed and angry at the failure of a relationship, but as I grow older I start to realize that life breaks everyone is some way or another and seeking perfection in another individual is an unrealistic expectation. Instead, it is your flaws, no matter how numerous that make you interesting to me. Perhaps, that is why I am drawn to flawed people, because I know that they have lived life and they have the scars to show for it. Someone without apparent flaws is just hiding who they really are.
With each passing day, I do feel more at peace with the entire affair. Although a romantic part of me really wishes that things were able to work out between us, the rational side of me knows that we both need this and we can never know what is in store for us, despite our meticulous planning. I wish you the best in life and I hold no ill will towards you.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Cardboard Children
One of great problems of getting to know people is that they are rarely who you imagine them to be. With many, the person that is projected is vastly different than the person that is behind closed doors. Depending on the situation, this can even be endearing, to see past the strong, hard shell and see the intimate vulnerabilities of the person beneath.
But other times, seeing who the person really is, is what destroys the relationship. For some, it is a simple matter of lacking substance and depth, which is still a turn-off but for others the beautiful shell is just disguise to hide the darkness inside. It saddens me to realize that we are all broken is some way or another, and some more than others(I am no exception). I think that having these unrealistic expectations of people is part of what sets us up for these massive disappointments. Even before they happen, you begin to see the cracks in the veneer and feel the dread waiting to wash over you like some massive tidal wave looming overhead. And even though we know what is coming next, it does not lessen the impact.
I'll get over this, just like I have gotten over everything else. But, what worries me, is that each time I feel less and less pain and it makes me wonder what that means. Am I becoming so jaded that it is cauterizing my ability to feel or care? Or is it simply that I have learned to recognize the signs and was able to mentally prepare myself a little more this time?
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Chasing Horizons
Sometimes, it takes being in a relationship to really appreciate what you have when you are single. It seems that the cure is often worse than the disease. We sacrifice our freedom and carefree lifestyle for a life of duty and obligation. This does not appeal to me at all. I cannot sacrifice the things that help define my identity for a transient feeling of love.
Love, like any other addiction is often hard to give up. Mainlining these emotions for the rush of chemical euphoria may feel great but causes us to be blind to the red flags that signal the impending danger of things to come. That is why compatibility is so important. Being with the wrong person will make you feel miserable and detract from where you know that you need to be in life. We need to find our validation within ourselves, because we cannot really expect others to do it for us. We will always be disappointed by the unrealistic expectations that we place on others so it is better to enjoy their company but not rely on them.
As a sensualist, I am happy that I experienced this because nothing compares to actually learning something firsthand rather than vicariously living through the lives of others. This kind of experience is essential for any writer, and especially for one that relies on their own self experience to inspire them. How can we write about love and loss if we have no frame of reference. I am just happy that I have found my inspiration again as well as the means to carry it out.
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