Return to the Page

It has been a while since I have written here, but I feel the time has come for me to make my return.  So much has changed for me in the past couple of months, starting with the acquisition of my camera.  It turns out that one of the key sources of my restlessness and discontent came from the fact that I had been stagnant and not creative, leaving a gaping hole that I sought to fill with other things and people.

But ever since I have held a lens in my hands, my life has a new purpose. I still love my engineering job too, mostly though because it provided a financial backbone to my artistic endeavors, but photography and visual art will always be my first passion and I must never forget that. 

It is in the last three months that I have see the greatest change.  And even though, in the back of my mind, I knew that this is what I wanted,  it seemed that I unconsciously gravitated towards it rather than achieving it through a force of will.

I feel better than I have in as long as I remember.  It is amazing to finally see the foundations of the dreams that I have been pursuing for years to finally come together and while I know that this will keep me busy, I will do my best to document everything lest I forget the dark place I came from a year ago.

Limitations and Creativity

It is often our struggle and limitations that force us to utilize creativity to overcome our problems.  To be brought so close to the brink of death and survive has instilled in me a ravenous desire to succeed and unparalleled ambition, not to prove anything to anyone, but because I have already faced some of the worst that life has to offer and have survived despite it.

I think that is part of why my motivations have changed so much.  In the past I had ideas of what would fill the void of discontent in me and I once I had it within my grasp I realized that even that would not to satisfy me.  I was just living a facade of a life because I felt that is what was expected of me and doing so almost ruined me.

Thankfully, my near ruin also showed me what can hold back the darkness welling up inside. My happiness and content will never be based on other people, but rather in the act of creation and making something beautiful that will outlast me.

The Religion of Economy

    I really should be sleeping, but instead I woke up with these thoughts in my mind so I decided to write them down while they are still fresh on my mind.  This all started yesterday when I got on an online debate(stupid, I know) with someone about atheism.  See, the main issue was that it was not religion vs atheism as is a very common and one-sided fight, but rather agnosticism vs atheism.

     Atheism has always struck me as very childish and arrogant, both dumb qualities to take into consideration when determining a stance on an infinite universe.  It also always seems to be rooted in anger and fear, rather than curiosity and a desire for truth because I have a feeling that even if the day would come that science could determine of intelligent design they would just shift things to suit their paradigm.

     But anyways, one of the things that I was talking about is the benefits of religion and how it has created a standard of living whether or not you actually believe in the deity or not.  All forms of morality are rooted in abstract thought.  Without a foundation, everything is relative and is left to personal whim and speculation and logically this can be disastrous.

Here is an example, I could "scientifically prove" that some life is worth more than other on the basis of benefit of society as a whole.  Using this as my foundation, I could kill people who do not contribute to society for the "greater good" of then donating the organs(which were probably going to be destroyed by drugs and alcohol anyways) to key members of society who's health was failing them so that they can continue to be a benefit.

     With morality being relative and subjective, any number of actions that were prohibited by morality and the "sanctity of life" would be permissible with enough cold logic and reasoning.  What many fail to see is that we benefit from the moral standards established by various religions regardless of whether or not we actually believe in the deity or not.

     The economy is perfect example of this.  At one point in time, we decided that a precious metal had value to us and used it as a foundation to build the economy.  As inflation increases, money is no longer being backed by gold but still has worth because it can still be used to buy gold.  But what if one day we decide that gold has no value to us.  On an individual level, this would be meaningless.  Your five dollars will buy a meal regardless of whether or not you believe in the existence and value of gold.  But if we collectively deny gold, then our savings become arbitrary numbers with no meaning.  It doesn't matter how many millions of these imaginary numbers you have in your bank account, if no one attributes value to them then there is nothing that you can purchase.

     This is why I find arguments about beliefs and morality to be so amusing.  So many cling to their "established facts" like a little flickering candle in the midst of oppressing darkness, when there are anomalies that exist that bend even the fundamental laws of nature.  A true believer in the scientific method would approach the universe with curiosity and a desire to seek the truth, whatever it may end up being.

The Outlook.

There is strange feeling that you get as you emerge from the wreckage and look all around you. After embracing the loss the hope, you begin to see beauty even in the tragic things, in fact, even more in them, for they are the contrast that is often overlooked until you have trained your eyes to see them.

This is different than the pessimism that many seem to have, where they can always find something to complain a out even when they have so much going for them. These people sicken me. They do not understand that is is the tragedy of life that causes us to cling to beauty so much more fervently. There has to be beauty to get us through life and if we cannot find it, we create it.

Beauty and Solitude

I am beginning to value time spent in solitude again. It seemed that for so long I would do anything to give me an escape from my thoughts, whether it be surrounding by people constantly or dulling my senses with drinking a d the like. However, now that I am spending a lot more time alone, I am beginning to realize that many of the qualities that I value about myself were brought about in my solitude and not when I was in the company of others.

I am an artist, yet I feel my creativity diminish of I spend too much time in the presence of others. It is draining to wear the cheerful mask that I have crafted for myself over the years and I need time to retreat to create and to recharge. The last few weeks have been interesting for me. Due to all the things I have been buying for the new apartment, I have not had as much money to go out and I realized that I was missing part of myself and I have become reacquainted. I finally had to face thoughts that I had been avoiding and I am better for it.

Solitude, isn't as bad as it is made out to be. You get to reflect and grow. And from this, a new spring of creativity was born and just in time too. There is a lot of work to be done.

A New Spring

While there is still a chill on the air, the sakura have begun to bloom and as their tiny, petals light up the trees like a fireworks display, I know that change is coming.  It had been a rough autumn and winter and at times I did not think that I would make it, yet hear I stand, battered but whole.

While I do not think of her as much as my mind fevered with love once did, every once in a while I will pass a place that once held significance for us and she flits across my mind.  Gone is love and even the hate that I felt for her, replaced by a strange calm that I have yet to identify.

I have stumbled into a new way of thinking, unchained but the fetters of thought that have bound me to what people think of me.  After all that I have been though, I really could not care less about what they think.  This is who I am and that is that.  I have no time or energy to try and impress people who will end up judging me anyways.

But on a lighter note, this new mentality has allowed me focus on my new-found engineering career and my artistic pursuits and I have decided that if I could only devote myself to one thing or person in life, then it would be to art.  It does not disappoint me and it has been one of the only things that give me a true sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.  My relationship taught me that I am really not a family man and attempting to be one and wearing a mask at all times is a miserable life for me at best.

I have chosen to stick to what I know is good for me and fuels me to move forward.  Not all people are the same and I have chosen to accept that.  With this new Spring, I will continue to progress, shedding the shackles that once bound me.

Truth From Demons

“I’m going to tell you what a demon once told me: It is okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. It’s okay to do what’s healthy for YOU. When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and then ask them what the hell they expected. It’s okay. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy. You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”. You have a right to say “Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?” You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.”

The Hard Choices

In some ways, things were a lot easier when I wasn't active in pursuing my dreams. I would think only in what entertainment the week would hold and the next party to head to.

Now, that I can see the aftermath of this kind of thinking, it has forced me into reconsidering things. This road is a little harder and the results are not instantaneous but I know that in many ways I will be far more satisfied. The things I am after now actually can last, much unlike the embrace of easy love, or the warmth at the end of a bottle. Those paths lead to head aches and empty pockets.

Instead, seeking the means to be able to create photography, to travel, to make a name for myself, these things will satisfy me like the other things never could, but I will have to be patient. This will not happen over night. I have to trust and wait. Thankfully, I have the example of my best friend that made the same choice to guide me and show that things will work out for us in the end.

New Foundation.

Everything that I own in bags and suitcases and as I transition from one apartment to another I notice a weight start to lift. Without knowing it, I still had dark memories that were linked to my old building, of love lost, of unbearable pain and the close scrape that I had with the darkness that almost killed me.

It felt good to leave all that behind. And even as I ran into a thing or two that belonged to her, I was finally able to look at it without the sharp pain that use to come when I thought of her. Is the beginning of the healing that I was promised would come or have I simply become accustomed to the pain. I guess you could say that it is a little bit of both, but whatever the case may be, I am feeling a lot better than I did three months ago.

I have come a long way, but I know that this is only the beginning of my new journey. The only way to do this, is to keep looking ahead and never behind, to enjoy where I am as well as where I am headed.