As each day passes, things get better and better. But, there are times where some of the old thoughts get through and it stops me in my tracks.
Some wounds close but never heal entirely. I always wondered why it felt like I had more feelings than many people I knew but now I realize that when you lose someone that is so close to you, you lose a bit of yourself too.
Sooner or later it happens to all of us. This is a part of life that we cannot avoid, yet you have to press on. Our only consolation is the beauty and momentary bliss we discover in our travels.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
In the Blink of an Eye.
And just like that, everything shifted and I was thrown into a successful position when just a little before I lost my love and my job, confined to my room and locked in my mind, it is amazing how quickly things can change for is, for better or worse. I know that this is a blessing though, something that I will be eternally grateful for.
I wonder how things would be if she had abandoned me when I needed her the most. Would she still be around to profit from this windfall as well. The question is, would I want her so be here with me as I enjoy this with me if that is the kind of character she had, to bail at the first sign of trouble.
Once again, I face the bitter truth that this departure was for the best as much as it pains me to say it. Sometimes, the dead weight must be trimmed in order to properly achieve our dreams. All that time, I was chasing her dreams not mine. I was just feeding on projections and sweet lies from honeyed lips. Oh well, I cannot beat myself up for this. I was so starved for love that I rushed in blindly just for a respite from the loneliness of existence.
I will recover. I know that now. And the world is a large and interesting place, even if it is not only good. I will find new adventures on the horizon if I open myself up to the opportunities. Travel, art, literature and new people to interact with are all awaiting me. I must continue to look to the positive in this situation.
I wonder how things would be if she had abandoned me when I needed her the most. Would she still be around to profit from this windfall as well. The question is, would I want her so be here with me as I enjoy this with me if that is the kind of character she had, to bail at the first sign of trouble.
Once again, I face the bitter truth that this departure was for the best as much as it pains me to say it. Sometimes, the dead weight must be trimmed in order to properly achieve our dreams. All that time, I was chasing her dreams not mine. I was just feeding on projections and sweet lies from honeyed lips. Oh well, I cannot beat myself up for this. I was so starved for love that I rushed in blindly just for a respite from the loneliness of existence.
I will recover. I know that now. And the world is a large and interesting place, even if it is not only good. I will find new adventures on the horizon if I open myself up to the opportunities. Travel, art, literature and new people to interact with are all awaiting me. I must continue to look to the positive in this situation.
Monday, December 10, 2012
The Path I Walk Alone.
Every day I reflect on the past and where I hope to go in the future. I cannot help but muse on what brought me to where I am today. As I grow, you would think that things would become clearer, and in some cases, they do, but at the same time, I am also presented with a whole new series of questions.
For example, I still miss people from the past that I know I really shouldn't and I have to wonder why that is the case. Is it really the person that I miss? Or rather, do I miss the feeling of knowing that I am not alone?
I am starting to think that in the past my loneliness and desire for respite has caused me to lower standards that I used to cling to, but in the end, I did not have the desired result anyways, so it was fruitless, even though it provided me with new experiences. It is not enough simply to not be alone. I also desire to be understood and to have someone that can relate with me. Otherwise, I can still feel alone with someone that I am supposed to be intimate with.
I suppose that it all came down to escape. I have used many methods to escape the torments of my inner demons in the past and I guess that having a girlfriend was just one of them. It was nice to be there for someone and to focus on someone else's problems for a change, but if I neglected my own issues in the process, the results would be disastrous.
For a time, I need to walk alone. To learn how to enjoy my own company again. I have been spoiled by constant social interaction that I cannot the sound of my own thoughts. This has to change if I am going to be making positive changes in my life. I also need to actually adhere to the standards that I have set for myself. No one knows what I want and need better than myself so I need to rely on my instincts and gut feelings more rather than what others expect me to do. If I don't stick up for myself, who will?
For example, I still miss people from the past that I know I really shouldn't and I have to wonder why that is the case. Is it really the person that I miss? Or rather, do I miss the feeling of knowing that I am not alone?
I am starting to think that in the past my loneliness and desire for respite has caused me to lower standards that I used to cling to, but in the end, I did not have the desired result anyways, so it was fruitless, even though it provided me with new experiences. It is not enough simply to not be alone. I also desire to be understood and to have someone that can relate with me. Otherwise, I can still feel alone with someone that I am supposed to be intimate with.
I suppose that it all came down to escape. I have used many methods to escape the torments of my inner demons in the past and I guess that having a girlfriend was just one of them. It was nice to be there for someone and to focus on someone else's problems for a change, but if I neglected my own issues in the process, the results would be disastrous.
For a time, I need to walk alone. To learn how to enjoy my own company again. I have been spoiled by constant social interaction that I cannot the sound of my own thoughts. This has to change if I am going to be making positive changes in my life. I also need to actually adhere to the standards that I have set for myself. No one knows what I want and need better than myself so I need to rely on my instincts and gut feelings more rather than what others expect me to do. If I don't stick up for myself, who will?
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Blessings
I have something to b me really thankful for despite the hell that I have been through the last month. I finally found an amazing job at my best friend's old position at Microsoft. There is nothing so satisfying as proving the people that never believed in you wrong. Sometimes, it is true what they say about clouds and silver linings.
I really am so happy. I have waited so long for something like this to happen. I feel like I am finally on the right path in life again and I can finally continue in the pursuit of my dreams.
I really am so happy. I have waited so long for something like this to happen. I feel like I am finally on the right path in life again and I can finally continue in the pursuit of my dreams.
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