How do you cope when the person you are closest to doesn't even realize that you are suffering?
"What is wrong?" she muses
" Nothing..." you mutter, knowing that trying to describe the maelstrom of thought raging in your mind is futile.
This is a lesson in how to feel alone even when you are with others. Thoughts you would rather not have, clawing for your attention. How you wish that you could be perfect, that you could give them what they want, that you were not so defective, but the mask remains with the grin affixed, accusing you of every lie you tell in the hope that it will all be all right.
The worst part is the fact that the person that you are supposed to be closest to doesn't even realize the struggle that you re going through, which means one of two things...either they are not as close to you as you as you think they are or you are far better with your mask than you used to be.
Either way, I am worried. For once, I want to be what I once ran away from, but am I too far gone to be able to be there for others.. In the efforts to cope with the pain and memories, have I lost my compassion and empathy? Sometimes I fear that I am just waiting for things to go sour, just so that my fears will be realized and I will not have to worry about them anymore, but I have never fought against something so hard in my life so maybe it is worth it this time.
This is what I choose to believe, even though I know that it may destroy me in the end. After all, what is the point of protecting yourself, if it is keeping yourself from actually living. I have always been of the mindset that I would rather burn out than fade into dust and it seems that I always choose scenarios to suit that mindset. In the end, what matters to me is leaving a story that is worth telling, Some people have other callings, but I would just be deluding myself if I attempted to mimic that for my own life. Whatever happens, I want it to be interesting and a story worth telling.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Thought Cascade
It is funny how something as simple as a conversation about philosophy can serve as a catalyst break down the walls to thoughts that you thought you had expelled from your mind long ago. It really makes me wonder if that is really who I am and just pretending to be someone else with a mask now.
It all started with a talk about purpose, happiness and fulfillment. How could I explain that my whole life happiness and fulfillment have been fleeting at best and that the only thing that keeping me between a bullet in the brain was purpose? With silvery-sweet words, I was told that life had no purpose and that I should enjoy absolute freedom. Yet, it is this freedom that brings out the darkness in me that I have striven so hard to lock away and throw away the key.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am just kidding myself with all of this, if I am trying to be something that clearly died a long time ago. I always feel like I am wearing a mask and am wary of others looking too deeply in my eyes, lest they see the darkness and infernal spark inside. It has taken a lot of effort to shape myself into something I ca tolerate and keep my thoughts at bay, but I let my guard down and it seems like now they are all coming back.
The strange thing is that I got what I thought I wanted. I found someone who loves me(provided that love exists beyond chemical reactions in the brain) and wants to have a family with me. I feel that this should bring me fulfillment, but I am starting to have a sneaking suspicion that it won't just like I always knew that it wouldn't. Family and procreation never held much appeal for me. They are nice things, just something that I always felt were for other people and not for me. Now, I feel caught up in her dreams and wants, while neglecting mine. What if I don't want this, but am furiously trying to convince myself that this is what I want for her sake. Now I have been infected with doubt and I am starting to see cracks in the foundation. I am afraid...afraid that I will wake beautiful and evanescent dream one day and that this will end badly for everyone.
I really need to take some time to step back and really think about all of this. I need to be sure that I am not deluding myself again and being blinded by feelings and my hopes for a better life. I have been down that road before and I know only too well where it leads. I really need to be realistic about this. Can I really eternally promise myself to someone when I know the possibility that I can let my guard down and finally shed my mortal coil despite knowing how much suffering and damage it would cause. It is times like this that I really wish that I had not been broken beyond repair.
It all started with a talk about purpose, happiness and fulfillment. How could I explain that my whole life happiness and fulfillment have been fleeting at best and that the only thing that keeping me between a bullet in the brain was purpose? With silvery-sweet words, I was told that life had no purpose and that I should enjoy absolute freedom. Yet, it is this freedom that brings out the darkness in me that I have striven so hard to lock away and throw away the key.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am just kidding myself with all of this, if I am trying to be something that clearly died a long time ago. I always feel like I am wearing a mask and am wary of others looking too deeply in my eyes, lest they see the darkness and infernal spark inside. It has taken a lot of effort to shape myself into something I ca tolerate and keep my thoughts at bay, but I let my guard down and it seems like now they are all coming back.
The strange thing is that I got what I thought I wanted. I found someone who loves me(provided that love exists beyond chemical reactions in the brain) and wants to have a family with me. I feel that this should bring me fulfillment, but I am starting to have a sneaking suspicion that it won't just like I always knew that it wouldn't. Family and procreation never held much appeal for me. They are nice things, just something that I always felt were for other people and not for me. Now, I feel caught up in her dreams and wants, while neglecting mine. What if I don't want this, but am furiously trying to convince myself that this is what I want for her sake. Now I have been infected with doubt and I am starting to see cracks in the foundation. I am afraid...afraid that I will wake beautiful and evanescent dream one day and that this will end badly for everyone.
I really need to take some time to step back and really think about all of this. I need to be sure that I am not deluding myself again and being blinded by feelings and my hopes for a better life. I have been down that road before and I know only too well where it leads. I really need to be realistic about this. Can I really eternally promise myself to someone when I know the possibility that I can let my guard down and finally shed my mortal coil despite knowing how much suffering and damage it would cause. It is times like this that I really wish that I had not been broken beyond repair.
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