Grasping Shadows

 

    Sometimes what you really need to be able to appreciate something is to watch yourself almost lose it. In the torrents of everything that is going on, the small things sometimes are overlooked with disastrous results.  Reeling back from the edge of the cliff you almost tumbled from, you really have to sit and think how easy it would have been to watch everything you built crumble to pieces around you.  A overwhelming sense of relief floods in, and even though the trouble is still there in the edge of your vision, you know that it is something that you can manage.

Live in Dreams

Sitting on the cigarette butt front porch

I could ask you "are you dead like me?"

Call me what you will, but call me again

It's true I don't talk too much

Because our lips won't last forever

And that's exactly why

I'd rather live in dreams and I'd rather die

Because our lips won't last forever

And that's exactly why

I'd rather live in dreams and I'd rather die

Pretty face could you make the jump with me?

I'm dying just to let things go

Do you remember the lightening storm?

It was the first time that I really felt you

Because our lips won't last forever

And that's exactly why

I'd rather live in dreams and I'd rather die

Because our lips won't last forever

And that's exactly why

I'd rather live in dreams and I'd rather die

We've got eyes on the back of our heads

We've got eyes on the back of our heads

We've got eyes on the back of our heads

We've got eyes on the back of our heads

     One thing that I have learned from years of relationships is that they all end, no matter how meaningful and beautiful they may be.  At first, I found this fact depressing, but I have since begun to find beauty in it.  No matter how much I love summer, I know that in just a few months the colors will shift and the cold winds will roll in and there is nothing that I can do about it, but that is all right, because autumn is beautiful too. 

     People cycle in and out of our lives, just like the change of seasons.  I can let it weigh heavy on my heart or I can appreciate every second that I am given, knowing that I cannot take time for granted.  Whatever happens, I will not be destroyed.  I'll take my memories with me in lieu of possessions.  Those cannot be stolen or lost and are more valuable than any possession will ever be. You cannot truly live life without risking pain, but you can make sure that the pain is worth it.

The Currents of Change

    With the advent of moving out into my own place, everything is suddenly starting to feel a lot more solid and I feel like I am being shaken from the dream state I have been in as all these chaotic events swirl around me.  That is not to say that I am not still in love with new city, but it is nice to get a chance to step back and survey the situation.

     Now, I know that the cold and damp are not for everyone(I use these words, but I don't really feel that it is really that bad here as people it out to be), but I feel that it is pretty damn good trade off for the other things that you get with these cities.  I mean, the difference in culture diversity alone is astounding.  Now, despite how amazing a city is, I still doubt that it will stifle my wanderlust entirely.  It will be nice to have a consistent place to come back to from my travels.

     Even though it seems like many things are changing in my life, I am starting to realize that there are some things that I am simply not willing to sacrifice no matter the cost.  I feel that these attributes are intrinsically tied into who I am and anyone trying to forcibly rend them from my life do not deserve to have a place in my life.  We are not given much time in life and it is too sacred to have it spent on someone who is unwilling to realize its value.

     I feel like I spent so much of my life chasing after people that I shouldn't have been wasting my time with in the first place.  At the end of the day, it difference dawns on you between the people who have a real place in your life and those who are just there for the ride.

     In a lighter note,  I have almost been overwhelmed with how many new things there are to discover here in Seattle.  It seems like I go out every single night and still only be scraping the surface of what this city has to offer.   Gone are the days of feeling like I am settling into a humdrum entertainment regime curated by those with the depth of a damp napkin. I know this is just the beginning of a new exciting life and can't wait to plumb its depths.

Abuse of Power.

     I am by no means a perfect person and I am aware of my faults, however, there are simply some things that cause my blood to surge and boil.  One of these things is men who abuse women.  Being a product of an abusive home and see abuse first hand has made this subject something that strikes very close to home. I have always had an interest in how the mind works, but I still struggle in fathoming how some men can think that it is all right to hurl verbal and physical abuse at women in their lives.

     It is hard to imagine why someone would stay in such an environment.  It is like being such an environment tears the will out of you and instead of putting as much distance as you can between you and the abuser, you stay instead and try to "deal with it" or downplay the effects that it has on you.  Seeing women that are stuck like this break my heart and set my mind aflame with anger at the same time.  I just want to get through to them and help them escape, but it is like they do not want any outside help or are blind to how horrific their situation is.

     My mother was one of these women.  For years, she endured endless abuse, clinging to her misguided Christian beliefs while I pleaded with her to get help or file a divorce. In the end, I took some drastic measures into my own hands that caused my father to be arrested, but even then she simply forgave him and believed that he would change.  It was not until a near-fatal heart condition took my father, that he was changed.  It was like watching a snake that you had feared your entire life be defanged.  You could see that it was docile now, but the memories of what had been done still haunted you like ghosts in the back of your mind.

     It is because of this that I have no mercy towards the abusers of women.  I rarely condone violence, but it is like these men(if these spineless cowards can even be called that) have become subhuman in my books. I would have no qualms with exacting the justice that has been denied them for so long.

Little Details

     When you are away from something long enough, you begin to see things that you never noticed before.  It can be something as simple as the way that the morning light reflects on skyscrapers on your walk to work, or how the wind softly whispers through the evergreens as you sit waiting for the bus.  There are so many things that I took for granted as I was growing up in the Pacific  Northwest that I am seeing in a completely new light.


     The same goes for people which may or may not be a good thing. Sadly, being oblivious is a much easier way to stay happy, but then again, I don't believe that it is a real sort of happiness to live in delusion.  I would rather face the truth than live in a world that is a conjuration of my fanciful imagination. Living like that only ends in pain.


     Anyways, with heightened observation you begin to notice the meanings behind simple looks, thoughtful expressions and other things that you may have previously missed due to living largely in your own mind.  I am not such a fool as to assign deeper meanings to all these things that I notice. Too much scrutiny will only lean to paranoia, but I like to think about it from an artistic perspective and imagine how I would recreate it on canvas or paper. 


      

There is a point that you realize that you are never going to have all the answers and even the questions change while you are trying to figure them out. This fact is a little sad and exciting at the same time. Sad because you know that even your strongest convictions have the ability to dissolve an exciting because you know there there will never be an end to exploration.

Willing Chains

     I have encountered some problems with being fiercely independent.  In an effort to preserve my freedom, there is a tenancy  to keep even those closest to me at an arms length.  The closer they are to me, the more of a grip I feel that they have over me and it sends chills through my veins.  I have no idea how I have become like this.  Maybe it is a backlash to the separation anxiety that I used to have.  It is like I resolved to never let anyone's claws tear so deeply ever again.

    I am not quite sure how I feel about this.  On one hand, I feel more calm and level-headed than I ever have before, but part of me misses the feeling of being swept up in a wave of passion and riding it all the way to it's cataclysmic end.  However, the cost of those highs were gruesome lows that would for months on end so I am not convinced of the wisdom of that way of thinking.

     It has been some time since I traveled.  Life in Florida had been like tap dancing on quick sand and I felt like I was just struggling to get by. Despite the ever present sun, my time there had awakened a darkness in that was consuming every aspect of my life.  Even I was blind to the effects that it had on me.

     It was during this time that someone that cared for me made a sacrifice to get me out.  It was a gift that I will never be able to fully repay, no matter what I do. It gave me hope again to be pulled from the mire that I was drowning in.  And now, I feel that that a part of me that had died long ago is gradually gaining strength again.  It is as if the rain falling from the sky is feeding it like a verdant beast.

     This is a time of meditation for me now, as I am uprooted and replanted and waiting for the dust to settle.  I am not sure about anything right now, except that I need to press forward.  Even in my uncertainty, my path reveals itself with uncanny timing, even though I am not sure where it will take me.